Tag Archives: dating advice
12 expert tips for dating after a divorce
Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?
“A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to ‘protect’ her and now she has to go out into the world on her own,” says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love. But it’s also tough, she adds, because once you’re on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he’ll-call sort of way.
So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you’re looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid’s good graces.
1 Figure out if you’re ready.
Whether it’s been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you’re ready for another relationship. Instead, “it’s usually clear when you’re not ready,” says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don’t want to chase it out again, you’re at least ready to start, she says. If it’s truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.
2). Feel the fear — and do it anyway.
Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but “actual terror,” says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you’re dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don’t have to jump all the way in. “Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you’re interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties.”
3). Avoid negative thinking.
While it’s not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like “all men are jerks” or “all the good ones are taken,” that’s obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. “That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love.” By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you’ll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.
4). Know there’s nothing wrong with you.
A divorcée may also feel that there’s something “wrong” with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that’s the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, “visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, ‘Stop!’” says Dr. Kirschner.
5). Determine your dating intention.
You’ve decided to start dating — isn’t that your “intention” right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. “Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you’re after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed,” which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.
6). Rethink your definition of dating.
Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of “dating.” Not surprisingly, words like “awful” and “dreadful” come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: “I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education,” she says. “Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too.” And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!
7). Get online.
Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn’t even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that’s as outmoded as dial-up. “Online dating is not only mainstream, it’s one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you’ll meet someone in the coffee shop,” says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there’s a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.
8). Don’t drag out online contact.
Once you “meet” someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it’s easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. “My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact.” Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. “Tell a friend where you’ll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place,” suggests Dr. Kirschner.
9). Remember that dating is a numbers game.
“Four out of five men you go out with will disappear,” says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It’s just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don’t take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you’re meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you’ll meet a few good apples too.
10). Date around.
Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you’re not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don’t like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man’s intellectual stimulation. “You can see what
11). But be honest.
While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there’s one caveat: making sure everyone knows. “Just say, ‘I’m enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that
12). Don’t let your kids stop you.
Hopefully it’s obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn’t bring dates around unless it’s somewhat serious. That said, don’t let a fear of your children being upset or disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. “Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date,” says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don’t apologize for wanting to date. “Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine,” she says.
Source: www.womansday.com
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'The Bachelor' star Nick Viall talks Colton Underwood's lack of dating experience and chance of losing virginity in …
Former The Bachelor star Nick Viall doesn’t feel he can give Colton Underwood good advice because they started the dating process from two totally different perspectives.
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“There’s always cliche advice, like, be real and don’t worry about the cameras. But honestly, I don’t even know if my advice would do any good for him in the sense that I came into my experience very different from him,” Nick toldThe Hollywood Reporter.
RELATED LINK: ‘THE BACHELOR’ FRANCHISE COUPLES NOW: WHO IS STILL TOGETHER?? (PHOTOS)
“And I’m not talking about the whole virginity thing — he hasn’t really dated. You know, he’s had, like, two girlfriends and I think one of them was [Becca Kufrin] and he dated [Tia Booth] for a day.”
Nick starred on Season 21 of The Bachelor in early 2017 after appearing on two separate seasons of The Bachelorette as well as one edition of Bachelor in Paradise.
In addition to the several serious relationships Nick had developed on the franchise, he also had his fair share of romances before beginning his search to find love on TV.
Colton, on the other hand, expressed on The Bachelorette’s fourteenth season he had only been in love one time prior to meeting Becca, and his feelings were never even reciprocated. Colton, who is saving himself for The One, also ended his subsequent relationship with Tia before ever falling in love.
“So when it comes to looking for someone to settle down with, I’m really curious as to how those conversations are going to go. I think it could be interesting,” Nick said of Colton.
Surprisingly, some fans are skeptical Colton, a cystic fibrosis charity founder, is truly a virgin given his good looks and background as a former professional football player.
“It’s a weird thing to lie about,” Nick countered.
“Listen, I think it’s great. I’ve met Colton, he’s a great guy, he’s as genuine as anyone in the franchise that I know and if you’re going to be a virgin, that’s great. But I don’t think he’s gotten any awards for it, so it’s a weird thing to lie about.”
Nick concluded, “If anything, it’s probably gotten him more criticism for it, so I take him at his word.”
As for whether Nick believes Colton will lose his virginity in the Fantasy Suite on the show’s upcoming 23rd season in 2019, he’s not really sure.
“It’s a great question. I honestly — 50/50 [chance]. Obviously people know you can have sex in the Fantasy Suite, but it’s not honestly just about having sex. It really isn’t. Sometimes people don’t have intimate moments and it’s really just about having conversations,” Nick explained to The Reporter.
“Not to sound corny, but [alone time off-camera] is a big deal because you don’t get that, so nothing would really surprise me. It’s hard to say. I think it just comes down to the women he is or isn’t into at that point.”
Nick then joked Colton’s time in the Fantasy Suite with one or multiple women will certainly make for “some interesting morning-after shots.”
“They started filming the morning of, so imagine that shot of them zooming in on Colton’s face and he’s just, like, [a deer in headlights], that first time, like ‘What just happened?!'” the former Bachelor said with a laugh.
Colton’s The Bachelor season began filming on September 21 in Los Angeles, CA. He has insisted he’s more than ready to get married and start a family soon afterwards.
RELATED LINK: ’90 DAY FIANCE’ COUPLES NOW: WHO’S STILL TOGETHER? WHO HAS SPLIT?! (PHOTOS)
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“Love Factually” by Dr. Duana Welch Takes a Scientific and Research-Driven Approach to Matters of the Heart
Dr. Duana Welch became a love expert because she wanted to find out why she kept ending up in bad relationships. This well-educated woman was tired of breakups, bad dates, and not knowing what was going wrong. She hit the books in search of psychological information that could help her turn her love life around.
“I initially got interested in the science of relationships for purely selfish reasons,” she told us. “After several painful experiences, I was ready for a change, so I started learning all I could.”
Dr. Duana Welch compiled her love insights in her book “Love Factually.”
The more Duana learned, the better she became at picking the right partners and sending the right signals on dates. As a result, she found a loving partner, and she has now been happily married for 11 years.
In 2009, Duana began her Love Science blog to bridge the knowledge gap in the dating scene and provide practical advice to daters who are serious about finding love. She drew upon scientifically proven research to guide her readers toward long-lasting relationships.
Today, Duana appears on podcasts, conducts private coaching sessions, and writes books that deliver dating and relationship advice grounded in science. In 2015, she released her first book, “Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do,” as an introductory course to building a stable relationship with the right person.
“If science addresses it, I address it,” she said. “I’m like the voice of a good friend telling daters what they can do based on science.”
Duana’s First Book is Now Available in Five Languages
Duana’s husband was the one who pushed her to write about everything she’d learned about dating, love, and relationships. He said he had benefited from her insights, and he told her that others could as well. Once her blog took off, Duana began looking for more ways to get her message across. She began coaching as a way to reach more people.
When a loyal reader named Holly wrote that the blog should be a book, Duana jumped on the suggestion and started compiling her most popular and salient articles into well-organized and information-rich chapters. She published “Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do” in January 2015 as a comprehensive guidebook on going from lonely single to happy couple.
“Love Factually” offers a perfect blend of warm compassion and hard facts.
“Love Factually” expertly breaks down the essentials of love and inspires readers to use psychological facts to improve their date prospects. The first chapter of “Love Factually” is free to download, so readers can get a sense of Duana’s writing style and fact-based advice.
This self-help book is now available as an ebook, audiobook, and paperback in five languages.
Since its release, “Love Factually” has been praised by experts in all corners of the industry. Dr. John Gottman, author and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, called the book, “A must-read for all those of us seeking a lasting love.”
Many readers seem to be wild about the book as well. On Amazon, 93% of reviewers gave “Love Factually” five stars, and many said they’d recommend the book to a friend or family member. “Life-changing book!” said Mary Dittman in a five-star review. “She is witty, funny, and easy-to-understand.”
“This book explains the mating psychologies that men and women have and how to use that information to find a partner,” explained Genevieve Katz in her review. “I now feel confident that I will be able to find my forever person with the information in this book.”
The Next Book in the Series Speaks to Single Parents
“Love Factually” is the first book in a five-book series focused on love and science. Duana said she intends to release the next book, “Love Factually for Single Parents (& Those Dating Them)” in January 2019. It will speak to the unique challenges faced by singles with children from a previous relationship.
Duana plans to write five books in the “Love Factually” series.
From dealing with exes or introducing a date to your children, the self-help book will present findings on how single parents can raise healthy families while maintaining healthy love lives.
Author and dating expert Susan Page called the book “a wise, hopeful, and, yes, factual guide for everyone who has loved and lost.”
Dr. David Buss, who specializes in the evolution of human mating practices, praised Duana’s “scientifically sound advice” and said that readers will finish the book feeling a little wiser than they were when they started.
Duana addresses the issues that can arise in blended families and provides research-driven solutions for solo parents of the world.
In the coming years, Duana plans to release three more informational “Love Factually” books. Each book will speak to a different niche audience. She told us readers can expect the “Love Factually” Rainbow Edition, Midlife and Beyond, and Young Adult versions to provide the same sound advice with more targeted tips for LGBTQ, seniors, and college-aged readers, respectively.
“My books use science to help men and women of all orientations find and keep the right partner,” she said. “I’ve read the science so my readers don’t have to.”
Coaching Singles to Maintain Healthy Relationships
Duana doesn’t just stay behind the keyboard writing general advice — she engages in a dialogue with her readers and prompts them to seek help. She offers private coaching to support singles in need of a little extra advice. Men and women reach out to her for help navigating difficult emotional situations.
After talking through their dating history, issues, and goals, Duana identifies their attachment styles and patterns of behavior and then recommends scientifically proven corrective measures that yield results. Whether her client is struggling to move on after a breakup or dealing with a fear of commitment, Duana approaches every problem with calm reasoning and compassionate support.
Over the years, Duana has become adept at allaying her clients’ concerns and winning them over to her point of view. She told us about one man who said he thought knowing the scientific reasons behind love took the romanticism out of falling for someone. Duana shook her head and replied, “I understand how digestion works, but I still enjoy eating food.”
Duana’s Love Science blog delivers evidence-based dating advice for singles of all ages and backgrounds.
Duana is a firm believer in the power of knowledge because she has seen it change people’s lives — including her own. She works hard to share an informative and engaging message with her audience in hopes of fostering a healthier, happier dating scene.
Anyone looking for a few quick tips or interesting insights can turn to Duana’s blog for a pick-me-up, but they can get more personalized advice through her affordable coaching programs. The Love Science blog also has an Ask Duana tool where daters can confidentially pose a question to the love expert.
“There’s no reason to treat dating like a shot in the dark,” she said. “We have science now, so you don’t have to stumble around — you can put the odds in your favor. Finding love is possible and probable if you know what to do.”
“Love Factually” Brings Clarity to Common Dating Issues
In the last few years, “Love Factually” has had a phenomenally positive impact on the dating scene. One couple even wrote to Duana saying they met at a book club event centered around “Love Factually.” They credit her book for bringing them together and helping them find love. Duana said hearing thank-you notes from her readers makes her feel like all her dating struggles were worth it because that experience helped her save others from the pain of being single.
“You don’t have to suffer. You don’t have to go through what I did,” she said. “I’m so happy to hear that more people are opting to get what they want without all that needless pain.”
As Duana builds her knowledge base and grows her audience, she hopes to teach singles around the world everything they need to know to skip the heartache and get into a relationship.
“Love, when it’s right, feels like a miracle,” she said. “But it’s an everyday miracle that everyone can have.”
Mum expresses horror after daughter starts dating former tutor – and gets called 'ridiculous'
A concerned mum sought advice after finding out her daughter had started a relationship with her former tutor.
But if she was looking for people to agree with her then she didn’t find it on Mumsnet, where she had posted a message about the “horrifying” situation.
The woman, speaking anonymously, explained how her 24-year-old daughter has just finished a masters course
She is now in a relationship with her tutor, who was her personal supervisor during the course and is 30 years old.
The mum is concerned her daughter has made the wrong decision (Image: Getty)
The mum wrote: “She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc…
“Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards.
“There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying.
“Is that unreasonable?”
If she was seeking reassurance, she’s going to be a bit disappointed as most of the people who replied to her plea for advice actually disagreed with her.
One mum even told her she was being “very unreasonable”, saying: “There is a 6 year age gap and nothing happened while he was her supervisor.
“They will have lots in common and like the same things so it sounds a great match!”
The daughter had started up a relationship with the older man (Image: Getty)
She was also accused of being “ridiculous” as her daughter is 24, not 14.
Most replied to tell her the age gap was minimal and she was a postgraduate, not an undergraduate, which made it slightly less weird.
One saw where she was coming from, writing: “It’s a bit creepy but they are close in age and he’s not her tutor any more so I think you have to let it be.”
Another wrote: “I’m not far off your daughter’s age and I’d be mortified if my mother thought she had a say in my love life!
“They are both adults and it’s barely an age gap. Don’t push her away by lecturing her on this.”
Other mums agreed that she might ruin her relationship with her daughter if she told her how she felt about it.
What advice would you give the mum? Let us know in the comments below.
