Relationships Talk

As Nigerians continue to analyze her appearance in Wizkid’s new video, Africa’s queen of pop music, Tiwa Savage, has a message for people in relationships.

Read Also: Watch Wizkid’s ‘Fever’ Video Which ‘Confirms’ He And Tiwa Are More Than Besties

“it doesn’t have to make sense to other people,” she posted in a cryptic message hours after she was seen, featured as a vixen in the new released Wizkid music video titled ‘Fever’.

The pair have been liked together several times in the last one year but they continue to debunk rumours that they are lovers. 

Many may see 38 years old’s message as a response to the backlashes she’s receiving for her sultry acts on the video where she appeared to caress Wizkid, 28.

The mother of one who is separated from her husband and ex manager, Teebillz, also shared a post where she wrote: “You are my favorite place to go when my mind searches for peace”

See her posts below –

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Dear Frances,

I am a senior #Prattstar at Duke. I haven’t really dated seriously before, and have found that school and friends have taken up most of my undergraduate experience. I want to get some dating experience before I graduate, or maybe even meet someone really special. This week, I finally downloaded a dating app, but I don’t actually know how to use it. Help?

-Clueless Casanova

Dear Clueless,

Dating apps have become an undeniable part of the social landscape for horny and/or lonely young people. If you don’t have a profile but want one, here’s what your mom didn’t tell you about how to navigate our brave new dating world.

Because I started my Chronicle career as an actual journalist—how far we’ve fallen—I would like you to know that I thoroughly investigated your question. Not only did I ask not one, not two but three of my friends how they would advise you, I also (re-)downloaded Tinder, Bumble AND Her. I am nothing if not committed. And as someone who has dated people—in real life—of multiple genders and across multiple dating apps, I am qualified to answer your question.

First: setting up your profile. Be yourself! Oh, but avoid selfies, because having a photo taken by someone else suggests that you have at least one friend or family member, which is an attractive quality. And don’t write too much in the bio section. But don’t write nothing. I like to just put a joke about myself in the profile, and that’s worked out fine. Keep in mind that, especially at a school as small as Duke, people you know in real life are going to see your profile, so don’t put anything that would embarrass you when you look up from your phone and make eye contact with a classmate you just swiped left on. Then again, dating is inherently embarrassing! It just is, and that’s fine! Admitting that you want something, even by downloading a stupid app or four, is an act of vulnerability, and vulnerability, especially at Duke, can feel silly and embarrassing at times. But that’s life! We never stop wanting!

Now, on to the top four apps: Tinder, Bumble, Her, and Grindr.

Tinder: Tinder is probably the most widely-used dating app among college students. You have the option to “swipe right” for yes, “swipe right” for no, or swipe up to “Super-Like” someone; pushing yourself to the front of someone else’s deck of profiles and giving yourself a little blue star when you appear to them. Avoid “super liking” strangers; it comes off a little strong. On the other hand, don’t play it too safe either. One of my friends said that if you see someone you know and you’re interested, always swipe right because you can’t lose: if they swipe left then they don’t know you’ve swiped right, but if they swipe right then you both have. This is apparently “the game theory trick stag hunt”… or something. I argue that the discomfort and ennui of seeing them in person after neither of you message each other for three days is a definite possible loss, but if you have a stronger stomach for that type of thing: there are no possible downsides. The stakes here are really quite low!  And remember, we’re leaning in to discomfort and vulnerability! (Just not too much!)

Bumble: Bumble is kind of the same as Tinder in that you “swipe right” for yes and “swipe left” for no, but with the added gimmick that matches disappear if no one messages within 24 hours. This is supposed to get you past the discomfort of who’s going to message first and encourage you to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak, but I think in reality it leads to a lot of expired matches and an inbox filled with hollow questions or just “hey!” The same rules still apply: message if you’re interested, ask them a question, or comment on the interests in their profile. Avoid leaving it at “hey!” or “hi!” or, worse, something gross.

Her: Her is like Tinder but with a more challenging user interface, and also there are no men. Tradeoffs! If you don’t have a cat as one of your photos, you probably need to find one, otherwise no one will message you. Queer women love to talk about their cats, or yours. This is not a euphemism. Ask her about astrology, maybe?

Grindr: Grindr is mainly geared toward gay and bisexual men, so I had to phone a friend for this one. Every single person on Grindr is braver than I am, because Grindr gives you no option to sort or filter whose profiles you can see, or who can see you. This means there are a lot of anonymous profiles, with pictures of just men’s chests, or like, a sunset. I asked my friend, a star Grindr user, his advice for people thinking about downloading it, and it was: “1) don’t do it. 2) don’t do it. 3) but if you wanna get laid, do it.” In that order. Do with that what you will!

Despite the differences in color schemes across these apps, I think my friend on Grindr has landed on a truth that unites all of us, queer and straight. The great equalizer: dating apps make us feel a little terrible.

Ultimately, I can’t think of anyone who has established a meaningful, lasting connection with another person through a dating app. Actually, I wrote this and then one of my fellow editors said he met his last two girlfriends on Tinder… but it remains to be seen how the current one is going to work out. 

It’s almost as though the gamification of our unending, lifelong search for an intimacy that will finally make us whole leads to no actual increased fulfillment, only the illusion of increased choice and possibility as we infinitely swipe and scroll through a never-ending stream of hopeful faces like our own. 

So, sure, download the app(s), but keep your expectations low and communicate clearly. Maybe go outside, instead? I suspect most meaningful connections will always occur through knowing someone as a three-dimensional human being first, and as a potential romantic or sexual interest second—then again, that’s no fun at all!

However you decide to begin to date, in life, as on Tinder, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and be honest about what you don’t, but be prepared to accept rejection gracefully. Be kind; recall that there is a real person on the other side of the screen (I mean, unless it’s a catfish or a bot. Don’t send any money.) And be safe!

Frances Beroset is a Trinity senior and the editorial page editor. Her advice column runs whenever you ask a good question. Email her at fb55@duke.edu so she doesn’t have to make up questions based on fragmented Facebook messages from friends next time.

Alessia Cara is wise beyond her years and her all-singing-all-dancing CV is testament to that. Since the 22-year-old Canadian burst onto the music scene in 2015, her hits including Stay, Scars to Your Beautiful and Here have littered our playlists and she’s picked up a Grammy Award for Best New Artist in January along the way. And, of course, she lent her vocals to the Disney hit, How Far I’ll Go for Moana.

As Alessia releases her second album, Growing Pains, which she pitches as “about growth and human experience”, she acts as your agony aunt, serving up all the empowering life advice you need. Watch the video above and get the full advice below. Prepare to be empowered…

What advice would you give someone who is scared of growing up?

That’s tough because I’m also afraid of growing up. But I would say it’s important to be present and live in the moment because I think that elongates your life and your youth. If you are present, I think stay youthful and young by doing things that make you happy. Not letting go of your youth that quickly, don’t try to grow up so fast, don’t worry so much about not having things figured out because a lot of the time people who are grown up don’t have it figured out either.

How do you remind yourself you’re worth it?

Just do little things to take care of yourself because if you’re telling yourself you are worth it, then that’s all that matters – who cares what other people say. You should tell yourself you’re worth it because you are. Do little things that make you happy, whether it’s moisturising your skin, or look at yourself in the mirror and mentally tell yourself, ‘I’m beautiful, I’m good enough and I’m going to enjoy my day!’. Write yourself little post-it notes. Those tiny things make a lot of difference.

What’s the best piece of life advice you’ve ever been given? And what would you say to someone who doubts they’ll ever achieve their goals?

My parents always taught me to take one day at a time because I tend to worry about the future. Focus on what you’re doing today. That’s really helpful. Also, happiness comes from within you and people can only affect your mood and your circumstance can only affect you as much as you let it. You can’t always change the circumstance, but you can change your perspective.

Now for some love life advice – I need to win back someone I ghosted, how do I subtly zombie them?

Oh great. I’m a master at that! You can send them the text like, ‘Wassup, you up?’ No, I’m just kidding! I would say if you ghosted them for no reason or you were a little bit harsh then I would apologise and say, “Listen, I wasn’t ready. I ghosted you for this reason.” Then you say, “but I would like to redeem myself and come back.” You shouldn’t just come back because that messes with people. They might have moved on and now you’re back and you may mess up their day. You apologise and make amends with the past.

What’s the best way to get the attention of someone you fancy? I have been hair flicking a treat but it’s not working. Am I being too subtle?

Maybe you’ve just got to go up to them and be like, “I’ve been hair flicking and you’re not doing anything. What are we?” You’ve just got to be forward sometimes. Or just keep hair flicking and wink. I’m someone who talks to nobody so if I see someone that’s attractive, I go the other way.

What advice would you have for someone who is really shy and bad at making friends?

I feel like I am, too. I’m with you. Sometimes you have to do things that make you a little uncomfortable because those are usually really good decisions and that’s how you get out of a place that you’re in. If you’re a bit uncomfortable, go up to people, talk to them or maybe text somebody you don’t really know but want to get to know. Just be honest. The other person is probably quite shy too. I’ve had the same friends since I was 10. It’s a weird thing to step out and be like, “hey do you wanna be friends.” I totally understand but sometimes you have to ask people to hang out. If people ask me, I used to be like “argh” but now I’m like “that’s nice.”

Do you have any advice for someone trying to be a music artist?

Sometimes it can be hard as a young girl to assert yourself and you’re going to have to prove yourself a lot in this industry. As long as you maintain a really strong heart and vision for what you want to do, not what everyone else wants you to do and you work really hard for it and know that saying ‘no’ is ok, you’ll be good. Just keep going for it.

Why do you think you’ve been so successful so young?

Obviously, you have to work hard and have a passion for what you do but I also think fate and luck and being in the right place at the right time helped. There are people who are probably way better than me, but someone just happened to see a video of mine. I also feel like I was meant to do this. I’m a big believer in destiny, which sounds really cheesy, but I don’t really know. I don’t know why I was chosen for this. I’m really lucky because there are some really cool people out there who are better than me.

Alessia Cara’s new album, Growing Pains is out now.