Tag Archives: dating advice
She's dating two guys, but neither one is 'Mr. Right'
Dear Annie: I am in my mid-20s, and I’ve found myself in a tough spot.
I am seeing two men. “Mack” is around my age, and we’ve been dating for about a year. “John” is a married man and quite a bit older. Mack turned what I thought was a casual relationship into something serious when he proposed to me a few weeks ago. I said yes because I felt pressured and his entire family was there when he asked me.
With John, it’s purely physical. I can’t help but feel that older men know their way around better, and John drives me absolutely crazy in the best way. Every time I’m with Mack, I yearn for John. Mack doesn’t kiss me the right way, hold me the right way or make love to me the right way. There is no passion between us, and he’s practical and dull.
When I’m with John, there is sexual tension and fervor. The secrecy of sneaking around behind his wife’s back drives us both wild. I want to be with John, but he’s over 25 years older than I am, and he’s married. I feel guilty for cheating, but not guilty enough to stop. I don’t want to break Mack’s heart, but I also don’t want to live every day in a humdrum fog.
What should I do? Should I go on with Mack and do what everyone’s expecting of me, or should I try to pursue a relationship with John in hopes that he’ll leave his wife?
— Three’s Company
Dear Three’s Company: If you keep holding your breath waiting for John to leave his wife, you’re going to kill quite a few brain cells. (Even if he did leave his wife to be with you, it wouldn’t be long before he’d be coming home with the proverbial lipstick on his collar.)
Use your noggin while you still can and quit this sordid affair. Next on your to-do list is to end your engagement. Mack deserves a chance to find true love. Then I suggest you take a break from dating to reflect on why you’d force yourself to choose between settling for a “humdrum fog” and going for a married man. There are millions of better options, including being single.
Dear Annie: Eleven years ago, I got a DWI and started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. After a few years, I realized the main reason to continue to go was the friendships I had made. So I started welcoming new attendees to the meetings and greeting them at each meeting they attended. Some of them even started hugging during the welcomes.
I have had several of them tell me the reason they continue to go to meetings is to see me. They are now four to five years sober, and I feel so good about being able to help them recover their lives. That and being able to hang out with my grandchildren (currently 10) make retirement the best part of my life.
Just wanted to share.
Dear Phil: Congratulations on your years of sobriety. It sounds as though you’re a beacon of hope for those in dark places. Thanks for sharing your story and for making the world a brighter place.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
Is she really my girlfriend?
Q: I met this girl in school in 2016 and we started dating. We are the same age but we live in different counties.
She finished school before me and got a job. Meanwhile, I noticed that she wasn’t so keen on texting me and would take her time to reply to my chats.
Early this year we met and she told me she had found a job abroad and wanted my advice on whether she should go. I told her I would not hold her back from pursuing her dreams, since I didn’t have a job to support her with.
I also reminded her to remember that I exist. She left, but these days when I chat her she takes too long to reply and only sends short one-word messages. I still love her but something tells me I should move on. Should I?
READERS REPLY
Sorry about your relationship. You should register that you are now in a long distance relationship. These LDRs are not for the faint hearted. There are measures to take when dealing with long distance relationship. Your girl should know communication in any relationship is very important! It is like salt to food. Try to talk to your girl. If she doesn’t change, just know you have been sliced. Then you must move on. Remember, instincts don’t lie. Also try to do something about getting a job; don’t stress about relationships right now; concentrate on building yourself financially.
Mercy Baiyenia, via email.
Follow your instincts and move on. The lady is in playing in another league, and that’s why she doesn’t seem interested in having a warm chat with you. Focus on your personal development and you’ll get a lady who will love and cherish you.
Dennis Kangwana, via email.
Well, it’s safe to say that someone who does not like you will not take much time to think of what she is going to say to you. She will send one word or one sentence texts back to you just to be polite.
There will not be any depth to these messages and they will be boring. However, if she likes you, she will ensure that her texts have meaning to them and that they are more than a single word or sentence.
She will respond quickly if she really likes you. Or she will at least tell you that she is going to be preoccupied and won’t be able to respond to your message for a while.
James Njoki, via email.
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
Based on your narration, you and her never really achieved the status of a relationship. You only got to know and perhaps like each other but nothing blossomed apart from your feelings which is normal in any measure.
If wasn’t for her leaving, who knows what would have been? I also feel that your affection for her was deeper than what she felt for you.
In my opinion, considering she is away pursuing her dreams, it would be punishing for you to hold back from other opportunities of finding love hoping she will come back one day and be yours.
Maintain a friendship but to pin all your hopes on her is not realistic in any measure. If it is ever to be, then you shall be together but for now and for your own sanity, you need to move on.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I live in Kisii and I am married with two children. My wife got a job in Nairobi and left my children here with her parents because of the nature of my work.
I have talked to my parents-in- law and they have agreed to give me the children as soon as they close school so they can stay with me.
My biggest worry is that my wife stopped calling me. When I call her she responds coldly. What do I do?
Last-Minute Wedding Planning Advice from Lainy Hedaya, Who Married Her Husband 9 Months After They Started …
6 days before her wedding, Lainy Hedaya didn’t have a wedding dress.
Despite being one of the most diligent and organized street style stars, it was hard for the It girl to find something she loved, that fit her body and her sense of style. “I felt like everyone was ready for our wedding but me. It was six days before the wedding and I didn’t have a dress that fit me yet,” she said. “Stressed was not even the word!”
Then, a friend of Hedaya’s suggested Esti’s, a wedding dress store in Brooklyn, that had a handful of designer bridal gowns available for purchase right off the rack. “I ended up with a beautiful dress by Isabelle Armstrong,” she said, with a sense of relief.
Dress shopping wasn’t the only part of Hedaya’s wedding planning process that was rushed. Of course, that has a lot to do with the timeline of Hedaya’s relationship with her now-husband Martin. Although the couple were acquainted through mutual friends since they were tweens, they only started dating at the end of last year. Less than a year before they got married in August. “We met up on a trip in Scotland, and we started dating within a week,” she explained. “9 months later from our first date we married.”
But even with a short engagement, everything was somehow in order for the big day: the synagogue, the hair and make-up concepts, the visuals team, which consisted of a photographer, a videographer and even a drone expert.
Even the honeymoon was planned, though, that, too, had a last-minute crunch. Hedaya packed for her adventure to Italy, which included stops in Capri, Positano, and Puglia, the night before her flight. “I am pretty good at last-minute packing,” she declared. “My favorite part of travel is to vibe with where I go. When I got to Capri, I separated each look by the vibe. Capri was feminine, Positano was more glam, and Puglia was more earthy.”
Now that she is settled back in New York, with that unmistakable newlywed glow, Hedaya has a few tips for future brides-to-be, whether they are getting married in nine days or nine months: “Don’t leave anything to the last three weeks! I was so stressed before the big day – in and out of fittings. The week before your wedding should be all spa, hair treatments, waxing, nails, etc. [With a wedding dress,] fit is everything. Focus more on what silhouette looks best on you, and how to look like your best self; that alone will make you shine. And, hire a bridal attendant!”
Of course, Hedaya has plenty of fashion advice that doesn’t pertain to weddings, too. Here, she explains her sense of style, her favorite pieces, and more:
Describe your style in three words:Modern, elegant, rock & roll. I feel like every point in my adolescence has inspired by style.
What is your go-to outfit for a day off:I always wear black high-waisted loose-fit denim with a men’s shirt, and boots with a little heel.
Who is your ultimate style icon, and why?Carine Roitfeld, because I want to have that level of a vibe.
Best fashion advice you ever received:You’re better off owning a few good quality things and repeating outfits than owning clothing that disintegrates after a few washes. So be organized and buy good, classic pieces.
Most prized possession in your closet:Mugler triple platform pony hair blue curved heel Mary Janes. Yeah, if I have to describe something that verbosely, you know it’s a work of art. I don’t wear them, though.
First major fashion purchase:Giambattista Valli off-white lace chiffon dress. I got it over 10 years ago. It’s still gorgeous!
What was the last thing you purchased?Large khaki cargo pants.
Currently on your shopping wish-list:A Stella McCartney faux fur coat, a Guiliva Heritage Collection velvet coat, an Alexandre Vauthier velvet dress, Oscar de la Renta earrings, an Anissa Kermiche body necklace, a Loewe bag, Monse plaid shoes, and Christian Louboutin shiny boots.
TV character whose style you most admire:Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It’s probably the best costume design I have ever seen in a show.
Best fashion tip picked up on set:Highlighter on the body makes skin glow!
What was your style like as a teenager?Black dirty Converse high tops, grey skinny jeans, black band t-shirts, a chic vintage ankle-length Armani coat…. and more than enough eyeliner.
Biggest fashion regret?I’d say more old hairstyles and makeup rather than fashion. That eyeliner in middle school–damn. I looked like Jack Sparrow.
Where are you favorite places to shop?Joseph in SoHo, Bergdorf Goodman, Proenza Schouler, The Webster, Moda Operandi, Manolo Blahnik, Loeil, Net-a-Porter.
Favorite red carpet outfit you’ve ever worn:I wore a gorgeous Reem Acra dress to the American Ballet Theatre Gala… I got the dress four hours before the event.
Favorite fashion moment from pop culture:Cher in the 1970s.
What is always in your bag:Burt’s Bees pomegranate lip balm.
Song to listen to when getting ready:“That’s Not Me” by Skepta (this one’s for my husband!)
6 Blunt Things I Want My Daughter To Know About Real, Genuine Love
Men are not fish, so stop trying to catch one.
Dear Daughter,
Throughout your lifetime you will run into lots of dating advice about how to “catch” a man, how to “be attractive” to men, how to “keep” a man… the list goes on. Can I tell you right now that all of that advice is pure and total crap?
Sure, you can follow those instructions and “catch” yourself a man, but if you’ve followed said advice, is he really the man you want? Because if you have to catch a man like a fish then you might consider setting him free, and instead look for a partner, not a fish.
As you constantly tell me: “Just sayin’.” So here, my wonderful girl, are some signs of true love and qualities that are non-negotiable for the man who is lucky enough to call you his partner for life.
Love, Mom
1. Don’t bother with a man you think cares about you but can’t show you or say so.
If he can’t tell you how much he loves you, then he can’t handle the big conversations that all healthy, long-term relationships need. Not to mention that you deserve to hear words that relay love and affection throughout your entire life.
2. Don’t even think of spending more than a few hours with a man who isn’t every bit as interested in you as you are in him.
If you’ve gone on a couple of dates with him and he hasn’t asked you any questions about you, run like an axe murderer is chasing you. The best relationships involve mutual respect and mutual interest in each other’s lives. Self-centeredness is truly one of the worst qualities you can find in a potential mate.
3. If a man says he wants to take care of you, move on.
You are not a fragile doll that he must care for — and neither is he. Loving couples take care of each other because they are partners in life.
4. A man who is completely focused on your appearance might be enticing at first, but don’t do it.
Of course you want that attraction, but if he’s only about your breasts, he’s unlikely to value how brilliant, clever, and funny you are. Don’t let him make your breasts the focus of your relationship until the end of time.
5. Don’t spend your time with a man you want to change as soon as you can.
If you can’t live with his bad habits or qualities now, then you shouldn’t be with him in the future. He will only change if and when he wants to.
6. Finally, don’t ever settle for a man who only offers you crumbs of love.
You will go through life starving. Love fully and completely and don’t settle for anything less in return. Don’t let loneliness or insecurity dictate whom you love. That won’t be real or satisfying — it will be filling a deficit in your life.
Find a man from a place of security and confidence so that you don’t feel you need him to “complete” you, but rather someone you love and who loves you back.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist and life coach at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com. You can reach her at Lisa@smartwomeninspiredlives.com
