Relationships Talk

If you must love another woman besides me, she better love you like I do.

Dear Son,

When you were a baby, I imagined you growing up to become “all things boy.” I envisioned mud pies and frogs in my bathtub, wrestling in the living room, and playing football in the yard. I thought of the broken bones from falling out of trees, the constant smell of dirty socks and aftershave, snakes and snails and puppy dog tails, because “that’s what little boys are made of.”

As you grew, most of my premonitions came true, along with the sweet stuff I never expected — like picking flowers and wanting to brush my hair, baking really messy surprise breakfasts, and of course, the compliments and promises of a child (like you saying, “You’re so pretty, Mommy! I want to marry a girl just like you someday!”).

Wouldn’t that be amazing? Yes! I want you to marry a girl just like me, too, because then I just might like her. But more importantly, a girl just like me will unconditionally love you, just like I do.

RELATED: 15 Real Men Reveal Their #1 Struggle When It Comes To Relationships

Unfortunately, there is no one “just like me,” just as there will be no one else “just like” the woman you fall in love with; we are all unique individuals with our own strengths and weaknesses (although clearly she will have more weaknesses than me).

So instead of locking you in your room with a bag of Doritos and your PS3 until you are 30 — which was my original plan — I want to share some dating advice with you that I hope you’ll always remember when searching for the love of your life:

1. Let yourself fall in love.

We always hear about “love at first sight” and “soulmates,” but the truth is that love has levels. The love you feel today will sweep you off your feet and you will believe you can’t live without that person who holds your heart.

But kind of like how you have to tear a muscle to grow it, each time your heart tears a little, it will grow back stronger and capable of expanding and experiencing even more. Who knows, you may find your “forever love” in high school (like your dad and I did), but don’t make that a requirement of the people you date.

Dating isn’t meant to break you. If your first, second, or twelfth loves don’t work out, it will hurt, but it’s not the end of the world. Let each relationship teach you and remind you that no matter what, you are worthy of BIG love.

2. Dance, even if you suck at it.

Everything about relationships is a dance. We move, we trip, we laugh, we connect, we let loose, we embrace, we touch and we feel. The guys acting all cool at the side of the dance floor aren’t experiencing life and they aren’t being seen.

Let yourself be seen and let the person you’re with know that you see them, too. Besides, there’s nothing hotter than a guy who is so comfortable in his own skin that he is willing to dance and laugh at himself just to get close to you and see you smile.

3. Laugh at yourself.

Dating is better if you don’t take it (or yourself) too seriously. The world is full of drama and tragedy and heartache, so don’t create more of it in your relationships. 

You’ll make mistakes and you’ll probably get into disagreements, because that’s what happens in the real world. The most important thing is to know that no one can make us angry without our permission, and we don’t have to participate in every argument we’re invited to.

Your Dad and I have learned to ask in tense situations, “Is happiness more important, or being right?” I hope you always choose happiness.

4. Say “yes” to the girl who elevates your mind, not your status.

There is something more important than looks or popularity, and even sex. Are you ready? It’s connection.

I know that sounds boring and you’re thinking that I really just don’t get it, but it’s true. The girl who makes you think, question, dream, want to try new things, and pay attention in that class you hate — THAT is the girl who will also want to spend time with you, even if there isn’t an event to attend or a party to go to.

She’s the one who makes you want to go on hikes and picnics, just so you aren’t distracted by the noise of others. She may even make you forget your cell phone when you’re with her!

Don’t base your affection on the person who makes you feel like you need them in order to feel accepted; instead, wait for the person who sees your worth, shares your passions, and values who you already are.

RELATED: 20 Crucial Things You’ll Learn About Dating In Your 20s

5. You always have the choice to become the hero or villain.

Ever since you could talk, you’ve been obsessed with superheroes. Not so long ago, Halloween wasn’t properly Halloween without a Buzz Lightyear, Batman, or Spiderman costume (which you’d continue wearing long after, until the seams blew out).

Although you’ve long outgrown the costume phase, as a young man, you have even more of an opportunity to once again play the hero. I know you swore to me that you won’t let a drop of alcohol touch your lips until your 21st birthday, but I know better.

I also know that situations occur where someone makes a poor choice or feels coerced into a scenario they want to get out of… it may even be you! You may actually have a girlfriend say, “no,” or, “stop,” or even, “wait,” and when that happens you must listen to her and respect her choices.

And if you hear or see someone in a situation you know is dangerous or threatening to them, it’s okay to turn into the hero. Even if the other people laugh at you or make fun of you, listen to your gut and always go with what is “right.”

I want you to understand and always remember who we raised you to become. “Be that person who, if someone tried to spread a nasty rumor about you, no one would believe them.”

6. Don’t kiss and tell.

This sounds so old-fashioned but believe me, the world needs more of it! When you find someone you want to share the most intimate pieces of your life with, keep them intimate (that means personal and private). Today, that phrase may go more like:

Don’t kiss and Snapchat it, don’t make out on YouTube, and don’t talk about how far you got on Facebook. You get the idea. If the only reason you’re excited for intimacy with someone is because you can blast the “proof” out on social media, you’re not ready for intimacy.

And if the girl you are dating starts sending you anything you wouldn’t show to me or your grandmother, she is not going to respect your privacy either. Find someone with the integrity to keep your private life private.

7. Hold the door, always.

No matter what you may hear, you should always hold the door. It is polite and courteous… and because I’m your mother and I said so.

Along with the door, remember your other manners, too. Say “please” and “thank you,” be on time, dress like you care about how you look, and don’t text when someone is talking to you. Your buddies may not always appreciate your good manners. Hell, half of your generation may not even know what manners are!

But trust me, 10 years from now when you look back on this part of your life and how it molded who you are as a man, partner, and even a parent yourself, the choices you made and the reputation you built will be way more important than the people who didn’t appreciate you.

8. Know that you always have someone to talk to.

I realize that parents are weird and embarrassing. They don’t know as much as you, and we absolutely couldn’t possibly ever understand what you are going through! But we do get it. Not only have we been exactly where you are, but we also thought the same things about our parents when we were young.

Truth be told, I HATE the thought of another woman stealing your heart. But I promise I will never allow those feelings of sadness — and the overwhelming desire to protect you from anything that could hurt your feelings or break your heart — keep me from being there to support you.

Dating is serious stuff with serious decisions to make and important questions to ask and answer. I hope you will always trust me to tell you the truth, guide you in the best direction, and gross you out with answers and details you don’t want to hear.

Know that no matter what, I may not always like the choices you make, but I will always love you—and I loved you first, so remember that when you have to choose between going on a date or visiting your mother!

RELATED: 15 BRUTALLY Honest Things Guys Won’t Tell You About Online Dating

Tara Kennedy-Kline is a parenting coach, author, and TV/radio host. Go to her website, www.tarakennedykline.com, for more information.

PORTLAND (NEWS CENTER Maine) — It’s a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to dating. Rob and Lance give you some advice on how to navigate that world on this week’s episode of Take It Or Leave It.

There’s a lot of options out there when it comes to online dating. You have Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Scruff, Christian Mingle, Farmers Only. The list never ends.

Rob recommends being truthful on your dating app with your interests and likes. That way someone who also likes those things will find you easier. Don’t put the things you think someone is looking for from you on your apps if they aren’t truth.

It can be tough to pick the perfect first date location. Lance recommends not ending your night at the movies. Instead, go to the movies first and then out to dinner. That way you have something to talk about afterward.

The biggest piece of advice from this week’s Take It Or Leave It, “If they aren’t into you, flush them.”

That means don’t settle. Never stay stuck on a person you’re interested in dating when it seems as though they aren’t as interested in you. You deserve better.

Be sure to watch the video to get more dating advice. You can either take it, or leave it. That’s up to you.

© NEWS CENTER Maine

Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W‘s resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:

Dear Astro Poets,

I’m a Scorpio who ruins almost every relationship by spying on my boyfriends. I don’t mean like literally following them around, but I have been known to read their texts, emails—anything on their phone, really. I realize this makes me sound like a psycho, and I’m so glad this is anonymous. I’m just jealous and very possessive.

Is there a match for me in the zodiac? Would someone find this hot? I feel like people think of Scorpios as playing the field, but actually, we just want eternal love. And I basically want to make sure the other person wants the same.

Yours,
A Crazy Scorpio

Dear Crazy Scorpio,

I already find this hot, but I’m not sure I want to be your boyfriend because it’s also terrifying. This is, of course, why Scorpios are so alluring. There’s a romantic abandon in all of their gestures. I also like that you confessed to your ways and then didn’t ask how to change, but if anyone out there would be into them. Here’s the thing: There’s a reason why Scorpios are so drawn to each other romantically. I probably see more Scorpio/Scorpio relationships than any other same-sign pairing. Scorpios match each other’s intensity, but they also amplify their sign’s dangerous qualities, like being jealous and possessive. Ultimately, this flames out, though you can see why it would be intoxicating for a while.

What I would recommend for you, for different reasons, is a Taurus or an Aries. A Taurus would for sure know they were being spied on. Nothing gets past them. They’d probably sit you down for you to experience their infamous anger—and I can think of no other sign that’s more frightening when angry than a Taurus. The good news is, if they’re in love, they can get over almost anything. Their commitment to working things out is unwavering. You will, of course, have to put up with their constant battle for control in almost every aspect of the relationship. This will get tiring, so let’s move on to the Aries.

On paper, an Aries/Scorpio match is really hot sex and a huge mess day-to-day. So, why am I telling you to find an Aries? Well, because I think an Aries can rival a Scorpio in their obsessive tendencies, specifically in the desire to know everything about their partner. Aries people are also over-sharers, so they’ll probably willingly give up a lot of the things you’re looking to find in texts and emails. And yeah, they would find it hot that you’ve basically quit your job to be a private detective as long as you continue to keep all attention on them. That’s really how to please an Aries: Give up your life so you can find out about theirs.

But honestly—and I say this as a mystery-obsessed Sagittarius—let there be some mystique to your lovers. You don’t need to know everything, and you won’t be able to either. I mean, if we all knew everything about each other, we wouldn’t sleep with anyone really.

Your equally crazy Sagittarius,

Alex

Dear Astro Poets,

I’m a triple Virgo. Two years ago, I had my heart broken by a Sagittarius I accidentally married in my head. In any case, I’m trying not to make that mistake again. But I love sex and cooking breakfast for people the morning after, so I keep starting love affairs with people who are unavailable. It’s getting exhausting to take care of the Pisces and Scorpio who come to visit whenever they feel like it, not to mention the Aquarius who understands me best and takes care of me in return. My friends love the Aquarius and hate the Pisces and Scorpio. But I don’t want to give any of them up. The sex is too good.

So, my question is this: How could I get everyone to agree on a schedule? I do like the spontaneous energy they bring into my life, but it would be really nice if I could organize it so that someone is in my bed four days a week, rather than suffering feast and famine. Would making a schedule be insulting, or a buzzkill?

Love,
A Lucky Virgo (Who Still Needs Time for Laundry)

Dear Lucky Virgo,

Your question delights me to no end. I’m an Aries with a long history of Virgo best friends, so I feel like I’ve heard your question a million times before, in all kinds of iterations. But the gist has always been the same: How do I keep my own freedom and still control all situations simultaneously? It’s the Virgo question of the ages, and I love you for asking it.

The simple answer to “can I do this” is: Why not? Of course you can put all of your lovers on a schedule, and what is a truer Virgo definition of bliss than that? It seems like they all have their (ahem) strengths, so you shouldn’t have to choose if you don’t want to. To me, the easiest thing to do is talk to all of them and let them know that this is what you want out of your life right now. Tell them each how great they are, and then give them their day (I’d put the Scorpio on Mondays, but that’s just me), and if they don’t like it, then that’s that.

Astrologically speaking, I think of some of them might like this new plan better than others. I’m glad you’re done with the Sagittarius because they definitely would have not been okay with you telling them exactly when they can come over. The Pisces will probably act nice about it when you tell them, but then secretly brood and think of ways to burn your underwear and all of your family heirlooms in exactly one year’s time. The same goes for the Scorpio. Sure, they themselves have more pots cooking than you ever could, but they won’t like the idea of not being your no. 1. You’ll probably see murderous rage pass across their face for a millisecond when you tell them, but then they’ll maintain their composure and say Okay, sure, whatever. After you bring up your idea, you may never hear from them again, but in truth, for them to leave without a trace was probably going to happen one day anyway. It’s the Scorpio rule to eventually abandon all of their casual lovers.

The one sign who will probably be ultimately okay with your plan is your Aquarius. Although Aquarians are deeply possessive and passionate in the throes of love, they also, as you already know, are amazing friends, and will in many ways appreciate that you’re using your beautiful, rational mind to control the situation. Setting a lovers schedule is something they would like to do, but would maybe never fully be able to do, and they will probably love you more deeply after your conversation. Lucky you! Nothing is better than a solid Aquarius in your life.

You are so lucky and I wish you all the luck in the world!

Love and earth sparkles from an Aries,

Dorothea

Related: What Your Halloween Costume Should Be, According to Your Zodiac Sign

I, along with 6.8 million American adults, have generalized anxiety disorder, and it’s not going away anytime soon—in fact, I imagine it’ll always be part of who I am. I take medication for it, and while some days I feel in control, on other days it controls me. Since it’s something I personally struggle to deal with, finding a supportive significant other is especially tough.

I spent the last few years of my life in a relationship with someone who never fully supported that part of me the way I needed. And in retrospect, this was totally fair; I didn’t communicate effectively. It’s hard for me to articulate how a partner can best be there for me, so of course it’s hard for them to actually do it. Being a mindreader is obviously not a prerequisite for being a great partner.

Thankfully, two accredited mental-health pros (who apparently moonlight as relationship superheroes) have come to the rescue with a checklist of ways to support an S.O. who struggles with anxiety.

Check out 4 must-know tips for supporting a partner with anxiety.

Photo: Getty Images/Ned Frisk

1. Do the research

First, give into to your cravings, and log online. “Do the thing we all love to do: Google,” says licensed mental health counselor Jessica Feldman, services director of New York City’s National Alliance on Mental Mental Illness chapter. Researching your partner’s condition is a great way to ensure you can empathize and provide worthwhile support to an often-confusing condition.

Licensed therapist Dawn Wiggins adds that on the information-gathering front, attending your partner’s therapy sessions can provide some super-valuable insight about the specific case of anxiety and how to handle heightened instances of it or panic attacks. “There needs to be a willingness to be an accepting partner, to support and encourage them like you would if it were any other medical condition,” Wiggins says.

2. Know you can’t cure it

When I’m mid-anxiety attack, the last thing I want to hear is “you’re going to be okay” or “just calm down.” Yet, this is such a common response since. As Wiggins says, “people have tendencies to want to minimize, not encourage, the full expression of the anxiety.” Even if their unsolicited suggestions stem from an honest-to-goodness intention to be helpful, in effect, such couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

So when your partner is experiencing a bout of anxiety, let them know that you’re here for them, and you will help them get them whatever care they need.

3. Don’t—for lack of a better term—mansplain their anxiety to them

It’s often the case that anxiety triggers are anything but rational. So, you reiterating that reality by sharing what should or shouldn’t make someone anxious is simply not a way to stoke a productive dialogue—rather, it’s just a way to instill a sense of shame. “They may think that they’re helping, but what it says to the other person is that there’s something wrong with them,” Wiggins says.

4. Help in a way that is legit helpful

Ask how you can help, and then follow through. It’s possible you might be asked for support in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. But in lieu of supplying what you think your boo needs, support, emotionally, how they ask.

Furthermore, have a plan in place before anxiety attack hits, so you can essentially play offense. Wiggins recommends creating a Google Doc full of tips and tricks that the person with anxiety has learned works for them. “That way, all the info is there, wherever you are, and it’s easily accessible and shareable between the two of you,” she says.

And if your S.O. experiences a panic attack—which 2 to 3 percent of Americans experience every year—Feldman says to sit at the same level as them and speak calmly. “When somebody is having a panic attack, there’s all kinds of things going on in their body. They have shortness of breath, sweating, they aren’t thinking straight. There might be speaking very quickly. The heart feels like it’s going to jump out of their skin.” Remind them that panic attacks only last for a few minutes, and even though it feels like it will never end, it will actually be over soon.

And most importantly, always act with empathy—not sympathy. Try to understand your partner’s journey, because a great way to not be helpful at all is to simply feel badly for them. You may never fully understand a partner’s anxiety, but it’s certainly possible to recognize that you can be helpful and loving.

Anxiety isn’t a weakness—here are several ways you can flip the script on how you see your mental illness. And can the trendy keto diet help alleviate anxiety? We investigate.