Tag Archives: dating advice
Boyfriend has something to hide; listen to your inner voice
Dear Annie: I have a question and hope your advice will make me see the light.
I have been dating and living with my boyfriend off and on for 12 years. We currently are living together. I have left a couple of times throughout the course of the 12 years because he was on dating sites and I found out. We just recently got back together, and he told me that he’s no longer on dating sites because they aren’t free. I found on his phone that he has an account on one site, but it is private.
Also, he tells me that though he loves me, he does not want to get married — that he likes our living arrangement the way it is. But I swear he hides things. He does crazy things, and he gets defensive when I question him. He hides his phone sometimes and will go on his phone after I go to bed. I honestly don’t know what to think or do.
He does come home from work every night, but I work Monday through Friday, and he has a day off during the week. Every week on this day, he turns his phone off all day. When I text, he doesn’t text back. Whenever I ask what he did that day, he says nothing, but he goes out to lunch all dressed up like a single man.
One day when I came home, it looked as if a woman had been in the house. A picture of us together had been moved. I asked him why it had been moved, and he said he had been looking at it. It looked like a heavy frame. Also, our bedroom clock is always turned sideways. I need advice.
— Confused in Texas
Dear Confused: I can’t say for certain that he’s been unfaithful, but it does seem as though he’s hiding something. And if he’s cheated on you before, your intuition is most likely highly attuned to the warning signs.
So listen to that little voice inside your head. Don’t let fear of change drown it out. I know it’s hard to leave someone after so long, but staying would be so much harder on you in the long term.
Tigers’ stripes, leopards’ spots, cheaters’ ways — some things never change.
Dear Annie: To “Better Late Than Never?” — the man who asked you whether it’s too late for him to go to college — the answer is it’s never too late.
I decided to go to college when I was 40. It took a little longer because I had to work full time and attend classes at night, but I did it, and it was absolutely worth it! “Better Late Than Never?” may be able to get credit for life experience and/or take CLEP exams to get out of having to take some courses.
Because I had never attended college before, I qualified for help on tuition that was a “gift” that I didn’t have to pay back. This man can do a little research, find a college that he thinks would be right for him and meet with a counselor. You go, guy!
— Been There, Done That
Dear Been There, Done That: Congratulations! I’m printing your words of encouragement not just for “Better Late Than Never?” but for any adult wondering about getting a degree later in life.
Thank you.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
Her Instagram account exposes online-dating creeps; now she has a book
If you’ve been online dating for more than a hot second, you’ve probably encountered a range of joys and horrors. On the positive side, dating apps have introduced me to some pretty great men. On the depressing side, I’ve also matched with men who have said inappropriate things to me, sometimes before we ever met. At worst, I’ve — briefly, thankfully — feared for my safety.
Such is the burden of being a woman, looking for connection online. Alexandra Tweten knows this well. Her popular Instagram account, Bye Felipe, outs creeps for their bad online-dating behaviors. For the unfamiliar, she posts screenshots submitted by women who have been harassed by men on dating apps. Propositioning for sex, lashing out when they’re turned down, sending pictures of the male anatomy (or requests for racy photos) and calling women a slew of names are all-too-common online-dating scenarios. Since Bye Felipe’s creation four years ago, Tweten has amassed nearly a half-million followers.
A journalism major, Tweten never planned to be a “Feminist Tinder-Creep-Busting Web Vigilante” with a popular social media account, as she was originally hailed in 2014. Now, she’s back to her writing roots, exploring online dating and lending her best wisdom in a new “Bye Felipe” book, which is an ode to understanding and taking it all in stride.
I asked her why she originally started Bye Felipe, how she got the idea for a book and how online-daters can maintain a positive attitude through all the ups and downs.
Q: Where did you originally get the idea for Bye Felipe?
A: It was October 2014, and I was in a Facebook group for women in L.A. One woman posted a screenshot of a message she had received on OkCupid. She didn’t respond, and 12 hours later, she’d gotten a second message, (an insulting expletive).
I thought it was funny, and I’d gotten messages that felt similar before. There was one guy who’d messaged me for months and months, over and over, on OkCupid. When I finally turned him down, he said, “Why would you even respond?” You learn that you can’t not respond; they freak out. But if you do respond, they also yell at you. You can’t win.
So, we had an inside joke in the Facebook group that when something like that happens, we’d say, “Bye Felipe” — which is a play on “Bye, Felicia.” I started the Instagram as a joke just for me and my friends to make fun of these guys. Two weeks later, Olga Khazan at the Atlantic found it and asked to interview me. After her article came out, it blew up from there.
Q: Tell me about some of your personal online-dating horror stories. How did it compare to other women’s?
A: When I first started online dating, I received a handful of hostile messages. And the first thing I thought was, Is he a stalker? Is he going to come after me? You just don’t know. It can be scary putting yourself out there on the internet. I got a lot of thank-you messages from women who don’t feel so alone in that experience now. I felt the same way when I saw the messages that other women were receiving.
Q: Do you think “toxic masculinity” plays into the Bye Felipe phenomenon?
A: Yes. It’s definitely related. But we probably need a nicer name for it. Men hear the phrase “toxic masculinity” and think, “Wait, we’re not allowed to be men anymore?” That’s not what we’re saying when we talk about toxic masculinity. It’s really about redefining the social norms of what it means to be traditionally masculine.
Currently, “real men” aren’t generally allowed to step outside of a very rigid set of gender roles that basically say they should be strong, dominant and unemotional. Anger, violence and aggression are some of the only approved emotions men are allowed to have. They can’t be sensitive, sad or show any softer emotions. We expect men to be sexually aggressive, too, and this is a big reason that women experience so many hostile messages online. It’s ingrained in our society.
At the end of the day, a lot of the guys perpetuating these behaviors just have personal issues, too. Online dating is hard for everyone; however, the stakes are just a lot higher for women. Women experience it differently. It’s often a safety issue.
Q: Have you ever found success in online dating, personally?
A: Yes, I’ve met a lot of really great guys online dating; I was in a relationship with someone I met on OkCupid for 2 ½ years. I’ve met a lot of wonderful guys who turned out to be friends. I also have lots of couple friends who met online and are now married or engaged.
The point of Bye Felipe has never been to encourage women not to do online dating. The real message is that our society and culture are really broken; the evidence is that we have all these examples of men acting completely entitled, objectifying women and becoming aggressive. It’s not only in online dating, it’s everywhere: on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, gaming apps, message boards — it even happens in real life on the street or in the bar.
I think that online dating can absolutely be successful. We spend so much of our time online, so why shouldn’t we use it for dating? The fact that this behavior is coming up so often (online) is because it’s so easy to document.
Q: Let’s talk about your book. How did you approach creating a book from an Instagram account?
A: I got the idea for the book pretty shortly after the Instagram took off. It took me two years to finish the proposal, and then another year to write and publish it. Whenever I got submissions, I’d put them in folders in my inbox: mansplainers, fat-shamers, “nice guys” and so on. And then I analyzed them to see if they had anything in common to figure out what the best ways of combating them would be.
I wanted to create a handbook for how to handle any situation when you’re online dating as a woman. It ended up being an anthology of the best — or worst, I guess — Bye Felipe submissions, a guide to the best ways to respond to trolls, a collection of funny stories from my own dating experiences and then partly dating advice.
I also tried to answer the question “Why do guys do that?” It’s basically the book I wish I would have had when I first started dating, especially online.
Q: What did you want your big takeaway for women to be when they finished reading?
A: Don’t take online dating too seriously. Have fun, and let it go. You’re probably going to meet a bunch of jerks out there, but have a sense of humor about it. Make fun of them.
The No. 1 key to not letting harassment get to you is having self-confidence — which is really the most radical act of resistance.
Dear Abby: Mom is flustered to find her family therapist on dating site
Advice: You are correct that what the therapist has been doing is a breach of professional ethics.
DEAR ABBY: I am conflicted about boundaries being crossed between my family therapist and me. My 7-year-old son and I have been seeing someone we both bonded with and felt comfortable with. That is, until the therapist and I found each other on an online dating site.
We matched a few months ago. Once I realized it was him, I felt embarrassed and blocked him on the site. He sent me an email within three minutes acknowledging that he knew it was me. He said he thought I was “awesome” and that I look better in person than in my pics. I was so embarrassed I didn’t respond.
A couple of months went by and neither of us brought it up. My son invited him to his birthday party and he did attend. It wasn’t until later that I realized therapists are not supposed to attend social events with patients. We also text often, during late-night hours.
A couple of weeks after my son’s birthday party he tried matching with me again on the dating site. I was surprised and sent him a text asking him what he was doing. He responded by asking me if I was enjoying it, but did not answer my question. I do have a slight crush on him, but I’m not sure what his intentions are. I am aware that it’s unethical. — UNETHICAL CRUSH
DEAR UNETHICAL: You are correct that what the therapist has been doing is a breach of professional ethics. There is a reason for it. Patients are extremely vulnerable to manipulation.
When the online flirtation first started, you should have changed therapists. Heaven only knows how many other patients he has done this with. My advice is to draw the line, establish a working relationship with another therapist, and decide whether you want to report him to the association that licensed him to practice. You may have a crush on him, but what he is doing is predatory.
DEAR ABBY: Common manners are going extinct quicker than the dinosaurs did. I was raised to open doors, stand up for women sitting down at the table, etc. Nowadays opening the door for most women feels like getting slapped in the face. There is no acknowledgment of any kind.
Has our society disintegrated that far? These days if I open the door for someone and she doesn’t acknowledge the courtesy, I say, “Thank you!” loud enough for her to hear and watch the reaction. I’m waiting for someone to slap me one day. — GOOD MANNERS IN TEXAS
DEAR GOOD MANNERS: I agree that when a courtesy is extended, it should be acknowledged. However, if it isn’t, shouting at someone is rude and makes you appear more like a petulant boor rather than the genteel individual your parents raised you to be.
P.S. When a gentleman opens a door for me — old-fashioned girl that I am — I always thank him. Then I add, “You were raised right!” which is true, and we go our separate ways with a smile.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Dear Abby: Mom is flustered therapist on dating site
DEAR ABBY: I am conflicted about boundaries being crossed between my family therapist and me. My 7-year-old son and I have been seeing someone we both bonded with and felt comfortable with. That is, until the therapist and I found each other on an online dating site.
We matched a few months ago. Once I realized it was him, I felt embarrassed and blocked him on the site. He sent me an email within three minutes acknowledging that he knew it was me. He said he thought I was “awesome” and that I look better in person than in my pics. I was so embarrassed I didn’t respond.
A couple of months went by and neither of us brought it up. My son invited him to his birthday party and he did attend. It wasn’t until later that I realized therapists are not supposed to attend social events with patients. We also text often, during late-night hours.
A couple of weeks after my son’s birthday party he tried matching with me again on the dating site. I was surprised and sent him a text asking him what he was doing. He responded by asking me if I was enjoying it, but did not answer my question. I do have a slight crush on him, but I’m not sure what his intentions are. I am aware that it’s unethical. – UNETHICAL CRUSH
DEAR UNETHICAL: You are correct that what the therapist has been doing is a breach of professional ethics. There is a reason for it. Patients are extremely vulnerable to manipulation.
When the online flirtation first started, you should have changed therapists. Heaven only knows how many other patients he has done this with. My advice is to draw the line, establish a working relationship with another therapist, and decide whether you want to report him to the association that licensed him to practice. You may have a crush on him, but what he is doing is predatory.
DEAR ABBY: Common manners are going extinct quicker than the dinosaurs did. I was raised to open doors, stand up for women sitting down at the table, etc. Nowadays opening the door for most women feels like getting slapped in the face. There is no acknowledgment of any kind.
Has our society disintegrated that far? These days if I open the door for someone and she doesn’t acknowledge the courtesy, I say, “Thank you!” loud enough for her to hear and watch the reaction. I’m waiting for someone to slap me one day. – GOOD MANNERS IN TEXAS
DEAR GOOD MANNERS: I agree that when a courtesy is extended, it should be acknowledged. However, if it isn’t, shouting at someone is rude and makes you appear more like a petulant boor rather than the genteel individual your parents raised you to be.
P.S. When a gentleman opens a door for me – old-fashioned girl that I am – I always thank him. Then I add, “You were raised RIGHT!” which is true, and we go our separate ways with a smile.
