Relationships Talk

Though dating apps are a common way to meet people these days, there are still many people who prefer to meet romantic prospects in real life for the first time.

According to a 2017 report by Statista, 61% of Americans aged 18-29 and 44% of Americans 30-59 are currently using a dating site/app or have used one in the past. However, a 2018 survey by polling platform The Tylt found that almost 84% of millennials would rather find love “in real life” than online.

“Meeting people ‘in the wild’ makes conversations more organic and easygoing,” Maria Avgitidis, founder of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based in NYC, told Business Insider in an email.

Avgitidis said that meeting in person provides an opportunity for exploration, curiosity, and a different kind of sexual tension. “More significantly, you’re not hiding behind a screen and turning a soulmate into a pen pal,” she said.

Here, 21 people reveal why they don’t use dating apps— and how they meet people instead. The answers have been condensed and edited for clarity.

Relationships take work—and lots of it. And when you’re dating someone with depression—which is a super-common and serious condition, BTW, that is estimated to affect 1 in 15 adults each year—that truth can feel especially strong.

There are certainly signs to look for if you suspect your partner might be depressed, according to experts—and catching those hints mostly just requires you to pay attention. “The first thing to ask yourself is what kind of changes you see,” says licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, PhD. “The hallmark is somebody really just not acting like themselves. They used to get really excited about stuff, or be interested in various hobbies. Now they’re more subdued. Or they’re starting to isolate themselves or be more irritable, or more negative.”

Of course, everybody feels down from time to time. But what can you write off as a normal funk, and when should you worry that depression may be culprit for the shifts you’re seeing? “The key question is, Is this just a bad week or has this been a pattern that’s been happening for a longer period of time?” If it’s the latter, it’s time learn the ins and outs of how to proceed supportively when you’re dating someone with depression. Plus, how to make sure you always preserve your own mental health and happiness.

Photo: Stocksy/Guille Faingold

4 things to know about dating someone who struggles with depression.

1. Depression affects more than just mood

In addition to emotional changes, Dr. Bonior says you may see shifts in your partner’s energy levels and eating habits—but there’s no one-symptom-fits-all situation here. It might mean sleeping a lot more or having bouts of insomnia. Perhaps it’s overeating and unhealthy weight gain or an equal and opposite situation of lack of appetite leading to unhealthy weight loss. Or, it might be something else entirely.

Someone who is depressed may also suddenly have trouble concentrating, or feel paralyzed when faced with even seemingly minor decisions. “Just kind of getting bogged down and not being able to handle things the same way is often another sign of depression,” Dr. Bonior explains.

2. It’s important to make it clear you’re available, even if they’re not yet ready to talk

Don’t expect your significant other to open up to you without you first making clear—not in a pushy way—that you’re available, whenever. “I think open-ended questions are important,” Dr. Bonior says. “Starting off with a statement like, ‘Hey, you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. How are you feeling? Is everything okay?’ makes it clear you’re coming from a place of care and concern.” Your partner might not want to open up, just yet, but that doesn’t mean your message is going ignored. “If they’re not ready to talk about it, which is sometimes common, then at least you’re laying the groundwork and planting the seeds [for future conversations].”

“Even though you might feel like you have a right to be judgy because it affects you too, the key is to start off from a place of concern.” —Andrea Bonior, PhD

Whatever you do, resist the urge to judge. “You might want to say something like, ‘Wow, you’re so negative lately. I can’t take this,’ but that doesn’t really give your partner any room to talk about what’s on their mind,” Dr. Bonior says. “Even though you might feel like you have a right to be judgy because it affects you too, the key is to start off from a place of concern.”

3. Know that you might have to do more than your share for a little while

It can be difficult for someone suffering from depression to rise above the fog and focus on everyday tasks. So to be an especially supportive partner, be aware that you may need to take on a little extra for the time being. “Part of [being supportive] is picking up some of the slack on the day-to-day things that might be overwhelming,” Dr. Bonior says. “This might be a period of time where you’re giving a little bit more than you get, and that’s okay.

While this certainly applies to mundane life chores like laundry and making dinner plans, it also extends to the logistics of mental-health treatment options. If your partner seems stressed out by everything involved in researching and seeking treatment, make it clear you’re happy to help in any way, like by calling therapists and doctors and looking into insurance coverage for various options.

4. Be on the lookout for warning signs of something more serious

Depression can be deadly, which is why it’s absolutely vital to be able to recognize when it’s time to intervene—whether or not your partner seems receptive. “Even if your partner is not overtly suicidal but is expressing extreme hopelessness, that’s a sign to be taken very seriously,” Dr. Bonior says. “If they’re expressing the idea that they’re a burden to other people, or the world would be better off without them, that’s serious.”

Surprisingly, a radical improvement in mood can also signal that it might be time to turn to the professionals. “Sometimes, a warning sign for suicide is when somebody’s been really down and then they suddenly seem to get better. That’s often when they’re at the highest risk of suicide,” Dr. Bonior says. “They might feel more at peace because they have a plan to escape, so they seem a little lighter.”

If you’re worried that your partner may be at risk of suicide, take action immediately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), where a professional can walk you through next steps. And if there’s an acute emergency that’s barring you from leaving your partner alone even for a little while, Dr. Bonior says to call 911.

In the midst of helping your loved one get the help they need, it can be easy to lose sight of what you need. Check out tips below to make sure you still prioritize yourself and self-care. Photo: Stocksy/Phil Chester Photography

4 tips caring for a partner with depression without compromising self-care.

1. Remember, it’s not about you

The most important thing you can do for yourself and your own mental health when you’re in a relationship with someone who is struggling with depression is to remember you can’t take your partner’s behavior personally. “That’s a mistake I see a lot—and it’s an understandable mistake,” Dr. Bonior says.

“Try to remember that when it comes to depression, it’s not about you, per se.” —Dr. Bonior

“When your partner’s not happy, you feel a lot of things too, whether that’s, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ or ‘Hey, they have no right to be unhappy. I do so much for them.’ Try to remember that when it comes to depression, it’s not about you, per se. [Those kinds of feelings] are just going to get in the way.” Not to mention, they’ll make you miserable, too.

2. Make time for self-care

“It’s so easy to fall into a negative mind-set yourself when you’re with a depressed person,” Dr. Bonior says. Because of this, make sure you find time to do what you love—whatever makes you feel happy and whole. Whether that’s getting outside, clipping in at your favorite spin class, making sure to meal prep like a champ, or even just taking a few minutes to multi-mask and meditate, you do you—and do it proud.

And remember, you shouldn’t sacrifice your social life, either. “Be sure not to get isolated to the point where your partner is your only social contact,” Dr. Bonior says. “You might feel guilty for going out and having dinner with somebody when your partner is depressed at home, but you deserve some of that. The truth is, you’re not going to be a good, helpful partner if you fall into a depression yourself. You’re just as important here.”

3. Set boundaries, and make your expectations clear

The truth is, you can only do so much to help your partner, because their well-being is ultimately in their hands. This is why you should never feel guilty for setting limits on what you will and won’t put up with. “Everybody is going to have a different threshold for [where they draw the line],” Dr. Bonior says. “You have to think about what your expectations for the relationship are. You have to ask yourself, ‘What is acceptable to me in this relationship and how do I set boundaries accordingly?’”

Make it clear that you expect your partner to play an active part in their own recovery, and set deadlines both for of you to follow: for them, a deadline for taking action and seeking care, and for you, a deadline for how long you’ll wait for that to happen. “The key in most situations is whether or not your partner can bring themselves to be motivated to get help,” she says. “But this is going to mean different things to different people. Some are willing to wait a lot longer than others, and part of that is going to do with the nature of your commitment.”

4. Find your own support system

Taking care of a partner with depression can be a lonely experience. So in addition to maintaining friendships outside your relationship, Dr. Bonior recommends turning to support groups for people whose loved ones are struggling with mental illness. “Depression, unfortunately, is so common that you are definitely not alone,” she says. “Think about connecting with others whose partners are going through this.”

If you’re looking for a community, options like the National Alliance on Mental Illness Family Support Group abound. You can find a chapter near you here, or, if there isn’t one available, consider starting your own. Knowing you’ve got a community that has your back can give you the strength you need to not only take care of your partner, but yourself, too.

Female celebs are getting real about anxiety—and that’s a great thing. And here are six things a psychiatrist says everyone should know about mental health.

Matchmaking seems like a failed profession to have in this day and age; a job better suited for an algorithm or a dating app. Technology nowadays allows software to do all the heavy lifting. All you have to do is upload a picture and a short profile and you could be moments away from meeting your future spouse (or at the very least, a tragic story to tell all your friends). But there are still real life matchmakers out there, professionals employed by matchmaking firms who make a living just by giving solid dating advice.

Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker from Matchmakers In The City, says that people come to matchmakers when they’re exhausted with dating apps, which is completely understandable. Dating apps are stressful. She gave some brief advice in an interview with LifeHacker. Check out some of her best tips:

No passive swiping

According to Conti, people need to move and actively look for love. She completely disregards that old advice that says that love comes when you least expect it. Conti believes that nowadays, when everyone is so busy and tired, you have to put in the work in order to get to know people, going out on dates, and taking the whole process seriously.

Don’t get distracted by your day to day life

We tend to stick to our comfort zones and schedules. Conti says that in order to meet someone worthwhile, you have to follow through on dates, even if you don’t feel like going out and engaging in awkward conversations. You have to put yourself out there and be willing to try out new experiences, visiting different bars and coffee shops, and actively engaging on dating apps.

Be less picky

Having a lot of options online can create the impression that there’s a perfect person out there, or that there’s something missing from the guys and girls you see. “There’s so much more I wish people would open their hearts and minds to. That happens when you meet someone in real life because you get their vibe, but swiping is a different story,” says Conti.

There’s a fine line between settling for someone who you don’t like and being picky. Learn the difference and get to know what are the real deal breakers instead of going crazy over the little things.

Be a better date

Matchmaking services provide guidance on being a better date, modifying your posture, the way you speak, and your behavior in order to make you seem as welcoming as possible. Since that’s not included when you download Tinder and Bumble, Conti suggests having an open disposition and being as flirty as possible. “Go into your dates with an air of fun, lightness, and pretend as though you are on vacation mode.”

Navigating the world of dating, sex and love is a minefield at the best of times, but when you throw religion into the mix it can be even more complicated. For Muslim women in particular, it can be difficult speaking openly about relationship issues and concerns, which some put down to a lack of sex-positivity in the faith and its strict rules around relationships and sex outside marriage.