Relationships Talk

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus.

Every week, Daniel Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Other woman: I have been dating “Jordan” for about a year. He constantly texts and talks about his relationship with another woman: his twin sister, “Jess.” They talk every other day and plan their social life around seeing each other. All Jordan’s friends are Jess’. There is nothing wrong with Jess—she is great—but sometimes I feel like a random satellite caught in their orbit. Jess has a long-term boyfriend who doesn’t seem to mind this. He advised me to let it go as it was a “twin” thing. I don’t know if this is actually weird or me self-sabotaging. I dated a string of losers before Jordan—addicts, cheaters, and con men. Jordan ticks every box I have—sexy, smart, funny, and kind. And he gets along with his nondysfunctional family. It just makes me pause when I ask my boyfriend about his day and he tells me what is going on with his twin. Help!

A: You’re definitely not going to convince Jordan that he needs to have a different sort of relationship with his twin sister, and I don’t think it will be fun or productive for you to try to get him to demote her to “friendly-but-distant sibling.” You can, I think, ask him to sometimes stick to talking about his day if you want to hear about what’s new with work or something outside of his family circle, but in terms of how large a place Jess occupies in his social life, I don’t think you have—or should have!—a say in that. So the question is: Can you imagine yourself happily accepting, like Jess’ boyfriend, the close nature of their relationship as twins? Do you feel like Jordan pays you enough attention, sets aside sufficient time for the two of you as a couple? Because if not, then you can certainly ask him to set certain limits with her. But if it’s simply the idea of being in a relationship with a guy who’s really close to his twin sister that wigs you out—then you have to ask yourself whether it’s a deal-breaker.

The key is to figure out whether feeling “like a random satellite in their orbit” comes from a sense of actual exclusion or whether that’s something you’re bringing to the table. It’s fine to say, “I love Jess and how close the two of you are, but I also want to set aside some time for the two of us to be alone, or to have conversations that don’t involve her.” It’s OK to want to feel like the center of attention in your own partner’s life from time to time. But if the idea of dating someone long term who sees his twin sister every other day feels really off to you, then Jordan might not be the guy for you. (He may be closer than the string of jerks in your past but not quite it.) If it were me in your situation, and I generally liked Jess, I would try to find a way to appreciate their closeness, while also occasionally asking for some solo time. If there’s a way to make things work with Jordan, I think you should go for it.

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus.

Every week, Daniel Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Other woman: I have been dating “Jordan” for about a year. He constantly texts and talks about his relationship with another woman: his twin sister, “Jess.” They talk every other day and plan their social life around seeing each other. All Jordan’s friends are Jess’. There is nothing wrong with Jess—she is great—but sometimes I feel like a random satellite caught in their orbit. Jess has a long-term boyfriend who doesn’t seem to mind this. He advised me to let it go as it was a “twin” thing. I don’t know if this is actually weird or me self-sabotaging. I dated a string of losers before Jordan—addicts, cheaters, and con men. Jordan ticks every box I have—sexy, smart, funny, and kind. And he gets along with his nondysfunctional family. It just makes me pause when I ask my boyfriend about his day and he tells me what is going on with his twin. Help!

A: You’re definitely not going to convince Jordan that he needs to have a different sort of relationship with his twin sister, and I don’t think it will be fun or productive for you to try to get him to demote her to “friendly-but-distant sibling.” You can, I think, ask him to sometimes stick to talking about his day if you want to hear about what’s new with work or something outside of his family circle, but in terms of how large a place Jess occupies in his social life, I don’t think you have—or should have!—a say in that. So the question is: Can you imagine yourself happily accepting, like Jess’ boyfriend, the close nature of their relationship as twins? Do you feel like Jordan pays you enough attention, sets aside sufficient time for the two of you as a couple? Because if not, then you can certainly ask him to set certain limits with her. But if it’s simply the idea of being in a relationship with a guy who’s really close to his twin sister that wigs you out—then you have to ask yourself whether it’s a deal-breaker.

The key is to figure out whether feeling “like a random satellite in their orbit” comes from a sense of actual exclusion or whether that’s something you’re bringing to the table. It’s fine to say, “I love Jess and how close the two of you are, but I also want to set aside some time for the two of us to be alone, or to have conversations that don’t involve her.” It’s OK to want to feel like the center of attention in your own partner’s life from time to time. But if the idea of dating someone long term who sees his twin sister every other day feels really off to you, then Jordan might not be the guy for you. (He may be closer than the string of jerks in your past but not quite it.) If it were me in your situation, and I generally liked Jess, I would try to find a way to appreciate their closeness, while also occasionally asking for some solo time. If there’s a way to make things work with Jordan, I think you should go for it.

AsianDate has recommend advice on how matches can communicate successfully across the miles to enhance their online dating experience.

AsianDate, the leading online dating service for members seeking Asian matches, has shared interesting advice on how to ensure successful communication online when dating worldwide. AsianDate is one of the most popular international dating services and has unmatched expertise in bringing members together with the best Asian matches. The popular dating service offers a number of dating features and tools aimed at helping singles have a successful online dating experience.

As a highly experienced online dating service, AsianDate know what it takes to ensure successful communication online with matches even if they are miles apart. Getting to know Asian singles is a hugely rewarding and fascinating experience for singles from all over the world. There is an element of cultural learning involved, which is one of the reasons why international dating is so attractive.

AsianDate is always looking for opportunities to help members discover more about Asian people and Asian culture that can help them achieve success while dating. That is why the popular dating service has offered four top dating tips to enlighten members further.

In its first piece of advice, AsianDate recommends patience and respect when it comes to chatting with a match via the internet. Chatting online may lead to misunderstandings at times and it is always a good idea to take more time to be clear when communicating. It is not possible to notice body language, voice tone, gesticulation and other signs of physical communication while text chatting. Members can tackle these challenges by using smilies, virtual gifts and setting up a video date.

The second piece of advice from AsianDate is to be aware of translation difficulties when a match is not a native English speaker. This can pose a challenge and hinder smooth conversation. Members should be patient during conversations. They can make an effort to learn some of their partner’s language to show understanding and help the conversation flow smoothly.

The third piece of communication advice from AsianDate is to avoid using jargon, colloquial phrases and local expressions in chats that might result in confusion. Members are advised to use plain English and be aware that slang might not be understood by a non-native speaker.

AsianDate’s final piece of advice on communicating with an Asian match is to know more about the place where the potential match is living. Members can read online resources and books to learn more and show interest in their culture during chats. Such invaluable information is certain to impress a chat partner and pave the way for success in online romance.

Members looking to contact Asian matches can use a range of features on AsianDate including Live Chat, video dating, photo swap, Correspondence, and the app for iPhone and Android.

For more information, visit AsianDate.  

About AsianDate

AsianDate is part of the Anastasia Family of sites, founded in 1993, which offers premium international dating to facilitate exciting and romantic companionship online between men and women all over the world. The Anastasia Family includes AsianDate.com, AnastasiaDate.com, AmoLatina.com, ArabianDate.com, and AfricanDate.com, which bring together over 20 million international users and more than 150 million online visitors annually. Additionally, over 2.5 million conversations are exchanged onsite daily. AsianDate is committed to member safety, customer satisfaction and the ongoing pursuit of innovation. Headquartered in New York, the Anastasia Family has additional representation in every country it touches providing a high level of customer service to a worldwide clientele. All members are able to communicate across a variety of top-notch multimedia platforms, including video chat and a mobile app for Android devices available in Google Play.

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There are lots of unique perks that come along with being a celebrity. You get free things all the time, everybody kisses up to you, you get to be on the cover of magazines, you have a voice people actually want to listen to, and, of course, you get to rub shoulders with other celebrities. And part of rubbing shoulders with other celebs means getting advice from them. Sometimes very unexpercted advice. For example, Taylor Swift’s dating advice for Tiffany Haddish is not what you’d expect from the pop star.

“You know what, I’m about to go on Instagram right now and put out an advertisement because I’m very single,” Haddish, 38, told PEOPLE while announcing her collaboration with Lawry’s Seasoned Salt. “I was talking to Taylor earlier — she said that’s what I should do!” the comedian added.

For starters, let’s just digest the fact that Haddish and Swift are apparently close enough to be dishing about their love lives. In fact, Haddish told PEOPLE that she texts Swift “every other week or so.”

Mark Davis/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

And then, of course, there’s the advice she gave. Put an ad out on Instagram? Sounds pretty dang bold to me. But, hey, I’m totally here for it.

If you’re interested in answering Haddish’s upcoming Instagram ad for a lover, buckle up because she’s got some pretty high standards.

First, she starts with the basics. “Credit score has to be over 700, no kids, have his own place,” she told PEOPLE. “Basically don’t be living with your momma and daddy unless you are providing for [them].”

Then, there’s the more detailed list of characteristics she’s after. “[He has to] have confidence in himself, accomplish any task he sets out to do. Have a mole on his left foot. Good hygiene, pretty teeth,” she added to PEOPLE with a laugh. “He has to have a great smile and has to be willing to smile.”

Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

I’m going to go ahead and assume she was joking about the mole on his left foot thing but I’ve gotta say the rest of her requirements are pretty great. Someone who has a great smile and actually wants to smile? Sounds great to me. Someone who’s confident? Sign me up! Someone who sets goals and accomplishes them? Hell yeah!

I’m with Swift. I really hope Haddish posts her requirements on Insta and all of the worthy dudes step forward.

But how did the two become friends in the first place? Well, in an appearance on The Ellen Show, Haddish admitted that it was Swift who approached her after meeting Haddish on the set of Saturday Night Live.

“Taylor was like, ‘Tiffany, Oh my God, I like you, we gotta hang out!’ I was like, ‘Yes! We gotta hang out girl, let’s hang out,’” she told Ellen DeGeneres on her show last year.

After telling Haddish she liked her, Swift invited her over to her house where the two shared a home cooked Southern meal and, well, now they text every couple weeks or so and give each other dating advice… so I think it’s safe to say the dinner went well!