Relationships Talk

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

It’s a tale as old as the internet: when Alexandra Tweten would log into her online dating accounts, she’d occasionally get messages from random guys that made her uneasy. Sometimes it’d be an unsolicited dick pic. Other times the messages themselves were lewd or creepy right off the bat. “I just wouldn’t respond, or I’d think, ‘No, thanks. I’m not interested,’” Tweten tells VICE over the phone. “And then they got hostile.”

She noticed this troubling pattern on Tinder, OKCupid, and other dating apps she was using at the time, but one particular incident left her especially disturbed. “It was this guy who just kept on sending me the same copy and pasted message, over and over and over again. His profile didn’t show his entire face, and it just seemed crazy,” Tweten says. “He just kept on sending the same message, so finally I said, ‘No, I’m not interested.’ He flipped out and just was like, ‘WTF! Why would you even respond if you weren’t interested?’” She remembers thinking, “‘This guy is unhinged.’ And it kind of scared me.”

Tweten’s experience with creepy dudes on dating apps isn’t unique, of course. “I had this conversation with a bunch of women, and we were all just talking about the abusive messages that we had received online,” she says.

In 2017, a Pew Research Center survey revealed that 21 percent of women ages 18 to 29 have experienced sexual harassment online, and 83 percent say that online harassment is a serious problem. According to Rosemary Rade, Director of Digital Services for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and Love Is Respect, online dating platforms can create a feeling of anonymity that makes it easy for users “to say whatever they want, using abusive language with few repercussions,” she tells VICE over email.

Abusers can easily erase evidence of sexual harassment or violent threats by unmatching or blocking another user, effectively letting themselves off the hook. Documenting instances of online harassment can hold abusers accountable, and Rade recommends taking screenshots of threatening conversations—which is exactly what Tweten did.

In 2014, Tweten started posting screenshots of her online dating mishaps on Instagram using the handle @byefelipe (the name is a nod to the “Bye Felicia” meme, used to dismiss a noxious person). Soon, her email was flooded with submissions from other women with similar experiences of harassment on dating platforms. “I realized that it was really common,” Tweten says. “It felt a lot better.”

In August, Tweten released a book titled, Bye Felipe: Disses, Dick Pics, and Other Delights of Modern Dating, a guide to dealing with online harassment. “It’s basically the book that I wish I would have had in my early 20s to tell me how to go about dating,” Tweten says. Bye Felipe includes personal stories and dating advice from Tweten and friends, as well as a selection of the best comebacks documented on the @byefelipe Instagram. “I love seeing women put men down,” Tweten says.

The book also includes a breakdown of “all the different types of trolls that find their way into our inboxes, like mansplainers, fat-shamers, and just different types of insults,” Tweten adds. “I tried to piece them together to see if there was a common pattern and how we could combat that.”

Bye Felipe is a feminist takedown of the insidious aspects of online dating, and though the book features plenty of clever comebacks, there’s more to Tweten’s message than putting down trolls. “This is a problem in our society in general, this thing of men becoming aggressive and hostile when they’re told ‘no,’” Tweten says.

When men respond to romantic rejection with hostility or threats of violence, Rade explains, they often do so because they feel entitled. But men who feel ownership over women’s bodies, time, and attention—and react violently when they’re rejected—aren’t necessarily solitary jerks or lone trolls. The rise of incels and growing popularity of Red Pill forums point to an insidious, institutionalized sense of entitlement and broader ideologies of violence against women that extend far beyond dating apps. Any abuse, including sexual harassment or hostility in response to romantic rejection “is about power and control,” Rade explains.

“It seems like every month there’s a new story about a woman being shot or stabbed or something by a man who she refused to give her number to,” Tweten says. “And I think that a lot of times, men don’t understand that the stakes are really high for women, just existing and talking and interacting with men.”

Many of the conversations Tweten posts on @byefelipe are difficult to read, because they confirm the fears many women have, that men will try to kill them. When meeting a stranger from the internet, women can never be completely certain that their date isn’t actually a murderer. That’s partly why when a Tinder reject goes from sending smiley face emojis to sending rape and death threats, it can be terrifying. “I think it’s really important to highlight and point out the real life consequences for women,” Tweten says.

“Abuse is never ok, whether it’s verbal, digital or physical,” Rade adds. “Anyone should have the right to not respond to an online dating message or request without having to deal with abuse if they do so. The responsibility for the abuse lies with the abuser.

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There are ways to learn the truth …

I’ve always been a believer in dating advice based on the concept that if a guy likes a girl, he’ll make sure she knows it.

In practice, however, attraction, love and relationships aren’t always so simple.

Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble have huge numbers of men and women feeling restless and especially confused on the subject of how to tell if a someone really likes you. And in general, dating ‘norms’ and gender stereotypes don’t typically go well for men who are more shy or introverted.

RELATED: The Fail-Proof Way To Tell If A Guy Really Likes You

When a shy guy likes you, he may not show it in obvious ways like other men do for a wide variety of reasons, fear of rejection being just one of them.

And who can blame them? If you think dating is hard for women, remember that it’s just as hard out there for men.

In the early stages of courtship, they’re often the ones expected to do most of the work. And this can be especially tough when a guy is shy.

So how can you know if a guy likes you if he’s not the type of man who’ll just come out and say it?

Here are 3 signs to watch for if you want to know how to tell if a guy likes you and is just too shy to admit he may even be falling in love.

1. His body language and nonverbal communication

Even if a guy isn’t vocal about his feelings for you, his body and nonverbal gestures will make it known.

If you’re engaged in a conversation and his whole body is facing you, that’s a great sign.

Does he lean in a little when you chat, or try to find ways to get closer to you like choosing the seat beside you in a group setting? That’s a good one, too.

Do you catch him glancing at you when he thinks you’re not looking? Tick.

Does he find subtle ways to make physical contact, like lightly brush your arm with his or giving you a gentle hug to say hello?

If a guy is doing all or most of these things, chances are good that he’s interested.

RELATED: How To Tell If A Guy Is Falling For You (Or Not) By Reading His Body Language

2. The amount of effort he puts out

I often chat with male dating coaches so I can deepen my understanding of what dating is like from the “other” side. The feedback I get most often is that many women don’t seem to appreciate the effort it takes for men to approach and ‘woo’ them, especially in real life as opposed to over texts and DMs.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to approach a woman who catches his eye at the bar.

Rejection is never easy, and it takes confidence to take the leap of faith necessary to chat up a stranger despite the possibility of being turned down. When a man is shy, it’s 100 times harder.

If he’s be too shy to ask you out a on a date, he may make an effort to see you by suggesting you get together to hang out or do something casual. If a guy makes an effort to spend time with you, it’s a way he’s showing you his interest.

If he’s showing interest and you’re interested in him, too, reciprocate and let him know you’re excited to make it happen. This will encourage him to up the ante in his courtship of you from there.

3. The degree to which he reciprocates your shows of interest

Sometimes shy guys need a little encouragement that lets them know that if they do try making a move or asking you out, they won’t be rejected.

A guy who likes you but is shy will match your level of investment when it comes to dating.

For example, if you take the initiative and suggest hanging out, he’ll likely reciprocate. Same goes with texting. If you initiate a few flirty texts and he really does like you, there’s no doubt he’ll respond.

The key to getting a shy man to actively pursue you is to let him know you’re open to it, and that he won’t be rejected when he tells or shows you how he’s feeling.

Some men grow out of their shyness in time, while some don’t — and that’s OK.

Shyness can be an endearing personality that balances out a more outgoing, extroverted partner.

A guy who’s shy won’t stay that way with you once you develop a relationship. It’s likely he just need time to warm up and feel secure.

As with everything in life and relationships, it’s important to look at people and situations within the appropriate context.

If these signs feel and sound familiar, it’s likely that your shy guy is into you.

RELATED: 11 Easy-To-Miss Signs A Guy Likes You — And He’s Just Too Shy To Admit It

Iona Yeung is a dating and relationship coach who works with single women to identify their roadblocks in dating, attract the good guys, and communicate from a space of love and clarity. Visit her website for more information and to learn about her “Lucky in Love” 30-day challenge.

As sexual assault allegations mount against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, the country finds itself remembering a similar situation: When Anita Hill accused then-Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment in 1991. That memory grows even stronger with Thursday’s testimony by Christine Blasey Ford, the California professor who has accused Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when she was 15 years old.

As “Saturday Night Live” prepares to kick off its 44th season on Saturday, Ford’s testimony raises the question of how the show – which traffics in political satire and has been especially topical during the Trump era – will address the thorny issue.

During the Thomas hearings, shows as wide-ranging as “Murphy Brown” and the family-friendly “Dinosaurs” addressed the Hill allegations with varying degrees of obfuscation, but “SNL” faced them head-on.

One cold-open in particular attracted attention: an Oct. 12, 1991, send-up of the hearings in which the Senate Judiciary Committee essentially mocks Thomas for not getting a date with Hill, before swapping progressively appalling and boorish techniques to pick up women.

Many have praised the sketch as politically biting, and it’s ended up on a few “best of” lists – including a list Al Franken wrote for The Washington Post of his personal favorites. (Franken resigned from the Senate earlier this year over sexual misconduct allegations.)

But in the #MeToo era, the sketch might be seen by some as problematic in that it “reduces the whole issue to gags about sex,” as Allison Yarrow wrote in a November essay for The Post.

Longtime “SNL” writer Jack Handey, who conceived of the sketch, told The Post via email that it “was one of those rare occasions when the idea just hits you like a bolt from the blue.”

Handey, known for his “Deep Thoughts” interstitial sketches, was standing in executive producer Lorne Michaels’s office for the show’s weekly pitch meeting when “the idea for the Clarence Thomas hearing sketch suddenly came to me. I laughed and blurted it out. People liked it, so I took charge of it.”

“The idea,” he added, “was that the senators would question Clarence Thomas to find out how to pick up women.”

The sketch opens with Kevin Nealon as Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., addressing Hill (portrayed by Ellen Cleghorne).

“Professor Hill, I want to thank you for your patience today,” he begins. “You’ve shown remarkable courage throughout your testimony. It couldn’t have been easy for you, or any of us, to sit here for the last seven hours and talk about penis size, or large-breasted women having sex with animals, or pubic hairs on soft drink cans, or oral sex, or the black man’s sexual prowess, or large-breasted women having sex with animals. But we appreciate your candor.”

“Thank you, senator,” Cleghorne’s Hill responds, as she walks off stage. It’s her only line, and she isn’t seen again.

The committee then brings in Thomas, played by Tim Meadows, and they begin grilling him about how he went about asking Hill for a date. Then, rather than criticize him, they start to trade dating advice.

“Was she aware that, as your boss, you could have her fired? And she still didn’t go out with you?” an incredulous Nealon-as-Biden asks.

“There have been charges by Professor Hill that you talked causally with her about graphic scenes from a pornographic movie. Is that true?” Nealon’s Biden asks, adding, “And did that work? Did it break the ice?”

Then Dana Carvey as Sen. Strom Thurman, R-S.C., and Chris Farley as Sen. Howell Heflin, D-Ala., begin to discuss whether women prefer hardcore or softcore pornography.

Later in the sketch Phil Hartman’s Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., offers dating advice, such as “Have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude and acting like you didn’t know someone was there? … That works, too.”

At first glance, the sketch is silly, skewering the senators for their boorishness.

“We try to be funny first and foremost. We don’t mind if the work also makes some important points, but we’re ostensibly trying to be funny,” former “SNL” writer Jim Downey, who contributed jokes to the sketch, told The Post in a phone interview. “It just seemed like a nice, funny take on the thing. Like a silly idea. We, generally speaking, prefer silly to, like, angry and preachy.”

Handey agreed, saying “to my mind, good political humor proceeds first from a funny idea, not from the editorial point you want to make. If the silliness makes a point, that’s fine, but secondary.”

Some, though, believe the sketch made the wrong point. Yarrow, author of “90s Bitch: Media, Culture, and the Failed Promise of Gender Equality,” told The Post, “the sketch is problematic, even more so watching it today.”

Its “interpretation of sexual harassment was that it was hysterical,” she added.

Yarrow said by focusing on the senators and Thomas, while literally removing Hill from the screen, the sketch ignored the victim and added insult to injury.

“The first problem is that the sketch centers the men, and not the woman. You could imagine so many ways that this sketch could have been done well and been fun, sort of centering Hill and hearing what she had to say, but she leaves the screen in seconds,” Yarrow said. And then, “they spend the whole sketch mocking sexual harassment, and conflating it with failed dating.”

Yarrow pointed to Hartman’s Kennedy suggesting Thomas take a date on a boat, where it’s “hard for her to get away.”

“That’s not funny. That’s threatening,” Yarrow said. “I don’t find the sketch very funny. It sort of celebrates sexual harassment, and excused sexual harassment, and celebrates boorish behavior.”

“The takeaway of the sketch for me is that Clarence Thomas was bad at picking up women, which completely misses the point that he was being charged with sexual harassment, which is not only unlawful but perpetuates criminal activity,” Yarrow continued.

Handey readily admitted that he’s not sure if the sketch would fly these days, adding, “Political correctness hurts a lot of comedy efforts. Movies like ‘Blazing Saddles’ and ‘Animal House’ probably could not be made today.”

When informed of Yarrow’s perspective, he said, “a writer can only go with what pops into his head. If I had come up with a funny idea centering on Anita Hill, I certainly would have gone with that.”

“I don’t think the piece celebrates boorish behavior, but mocks it,” Handey added. “Characters acting boorishly – and oblivious to it – is one of my favorite things.”

Saturday’s premiere will likely include a piece on the hearings, Downey predicted, adding that if something bumps it then “this would be the wildest news week in American history.”

This time, Yarrow would like to see is a sketch that “centers the victim” and communicates her story and her feelings – and, in particular, the imbalance of power between the alleged aggressor and the victims.

“What (the Thomas sketch) centers as funny is the sex, and we know that sexual harassment isn’t about sex,” Yarrow said. “It’s about power.”

27 September 2018

As we tuned into Love Island each night, watching yet another couple become official, us singletons became increasingly obsessed with finding our own perfect match. However, between the endless scrolling that accompanies infamous dating apps and the stress of first date prep, we can sometimes feel a little lonely, and overwhelmed, along the way.

Here’s how your friends can help you find that special someone!

This needn’t be the case; if there’s anything we can learn from this year’s Islanders and our own dating history, it’s that friends make everything easier, and not always just in the ways you’d expect! Sometimes, we need to loosen the reigns and let our pals step in to help us find our future Mr or Mrs.

From accompanying us on dates to ‘doing a Monica’ and making our digital decisions for us, there are several ways you can use your friends to find love. To help you on this journey, Charlie Spokes of unique dating website ‘My Friend Charlie’ provides insight into 6 ways your friends can help you find love.

1. They can act as a safety blanket: We’re often much more confident around our friends; we can be ourselves and have a relaxing time as they know us inside out, putting us completely at ease. In a way, our friends act as a safety blanket; they’re our solid foundation and know precisely how to fill us with confidence. If you feel particularly daunted by the prospect of a first date, consider group dates with your fellow single friends! You can support one another and laugh off first date nerves, helping you to enjoy the evening in its entirety.

2. You can go on double dates: If your best friend is in a relationship and you’re single, consider using this to your advantage. Your best friend’s partner could bring along a friend for a fun a group date; whether this is an intimate dinner date or adventurous activity, you can trust that you’re not alone.

3. Friends are full of compliments: Our friends know all our best assets and are often much more eager to shout these from the rooftops than we are. Let your friend edit your dating profile or let them choose your outfit; if we can rely on our besties for anything, it’s complete honesty. With our best interests at heart, we’ll leave for our date knowing that there’s an enhanced likelihood of success.

4. They’re a personal crisis management team: More often than not, we turn to our friends for advice in a crisis. Whether you’re struggling to choose an activity, feeling particularly anxious or you want to approach a guy but just can’t do it alone, follow your instincts and ring the alarm. Ask your friends for advice or bring them along to a quirky speed dating event or blind group event, you’ve got a personal crisis management team in your friends, so put them to good use!

5. ‘Doing a Monica’: You might just find that your friends know you better than you know yourself, so let them take the reins. In our favourite TV show ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’ Monica famously took control of Rachel’s love life, making all her decisions for her. Follow suit and be brave; our perfect match might not be who we’d expect and we’re often all guilty of making impulsive decisions… trust your friends and you’ll reap the rewards.

6. You can put their experience to good use: If your friends are in successful relationships, they must be doing something right! Never be scared to ask your friends for tips or advice to boost your dating life; whether you learn from their dating dos or dating faux pas, never let a lesson go unlearnt.

If you’d like to learn more about exciting group date events, visit www.myfriendcharlie.co.uk