Tag Archives: dating advice
The Algebra of Dating with FA: The Ex and the Why
“I get him, and he gets me,” Cassandra states as if it’s obvious. Her boyfriend Roland can be seen in the background of this shot, acting goofy and dancing in his wheelchair.
As they sat at a table in the mall’s food court, Mary had just asked her friend Cassandra if “it” bothered her — the fact that her boyfriend can’t walk.
***
Cassandra’s answer is a moment of brutal honesty that stands out to me in the biting comedy, “Saved!” The largely unrecognized 2004 comedy has become something of a cult classic. It is also one of my favorite movies, mostly due to its honest treatment of Roland.
Especially when it comes to his relationship.
In my small town, in the middle of soybean fields and the bayous of southern Louisiana, it’s expected that most people will marry by their mid-20s. To be 30 and unmarried is almost unheard of.
My name is Matt. I’m almost 33, and I’m single.
And I’m doing just fine, though that goes against the popular local mindset.
Dating, on its own, is an extremely complex topic. But dating with a debilitating disorder like Friedreich’s ataxia? Well, I can’t even begin to figure that out. Whether or not I have it figured out, I live with the reality that Friedreich’s ataxia (FA) plays a role in my attitude toward dating.
I’ve realized that while I was still dating, I believed that simply being in a relationship made me a better person. I didn’t focus on how to be OK with myself outside of a relationship, and so I wasn’t. I was bitter and lonely and self-pitying.
Being in a relationship is beautiful. Both of my younger sisters are married and have children. One of those sisters, Morgan, has FA, same as me.
For most of my life, I blamed my inability to be in a relationship on the fact that FA prevented me from doing so. That’s simply not true: I know many people with FA, including Morgan, who have solid relationships. I felt incomplete and odd, unable to find a girlfriend.
I didn’t understand. I could comfortably and easily settle into my loneliness, allowing my bitterness to evolve into self-righteous anger, but that would place the issue on the girls who were not attracted to me rather than on myself.
That seemed to be the only explanation: The problem wasn’t me, but others. I clutched my self-righteousness and self-pity as my security blanket. I was comfortable with this. After all, blaming others felt like the only way to cope.
Or was it?
***
Cassandra hops into her car, frustrated and flustered. Roland wheels up to her, but before he can say anything, Cassandra spits “I can’t talk now! I have to go!” She speeds away, and Roland is left alone in the school parking lot as the sun sets.
“But I don’t have a ride,” he says, realizing that he lives with Cassandra and is therefore homeless and helpless, unable to drive and with nowhere to go.
A perfect song plays later, as Cassandra realizes that she left her boyfriend without a ride. She drives around looking for him all night. As the sun comes up, Roland wakes up lying on the grass, where he spent the night. He climbs back into his wheelchair (which is realistically awkward, and a memorable scene). He catches a public transit bus to a cafe, where Cassandra finds him sitting at a table. She is relieved almost to the point of tears. She apologizes for leaving him, but he interrupts.
“I stuck out on my own, and I’m OK. I realized something. I’m depending on you. … I don’t want to be the guy who’s with the girl because he needs her. I want to be the guy who’s with the girl because he wants her.”
***
I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all solution to a problem as complex as dating. Add in the additional factor of a disability, and there is no easy answer.
The only thing that makes sense to me, the thing I strive for is … to be OK as I am, singular. I shouldn’t entwine my happiness to another person. I shouldn’t be angry or depressed about my relationship status. And when in a relationship, I should never depend on my beloved to survive but should always want their presence in my life.
Friends: Whether single or in a relationship, work on being OK and comfortable with who you are. I’m trying to do that. And maybe that’s enough.
***
Friedreich’s Ataxia News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
A Straight Woman's Guide to Sex and Dating
Tyler Gross
By the time I started college, I’d been on birth control for two years, I’d caught chlamydia twice from the same cheating-ass no-good soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, and I’d suffered from at least a half-dozen UTIs. I didn’t need sex and love advice so much as I needed a break.
You likely don’t need much advice, either. You have the internet, YouTube, dating apps, social media, campus doctors, and friends, all of whom are sources of information. But a few tips never hurt anyone.
1. Put away your goddamn phone. It’s more fun to meet someone IRL.
You’ll be spending plenty of time with your face glued to a screen for school. When you can, take the opportunity to actually go out and experience the city, and get some face time with the people in it. Avoid getting catfished from the start.
You like books? Loads of literary events happen on the regular that are cheap or free. Dig music? Go see a show, there’s a deluge of them every night, and Dave Segal has some recommendations on page 24 for where to go if you’re not 21 yet. Art, film, random trivia nights, food, improv, coffee—whatever it is, you’ll naturally meet people with shared interests by figuring out where activities or hobbies or diversions you enjoy take place, then going out and enjoying them and engaging with people that you find attractive who are also out enjoying these things. Maybe you’ll just make a friend. Maybe you’ll find your next lover. Maybe you’ll have a nice conversation that leads nowhere. Maybe it will be awkward as fuck. You can laugh about it later. What do you have to lose?
2. If you have a roommate, lay down some ground rules.
For example: No sex in the common areas. But if sex is going to happen, knowing your roommate’s schedule—or at least when they’re supposed to be home and not be home—will save you both much embarrassment (and images of each other you can’t get out of your heads). Keep the dialogue open. If your schedule changes, make sure to share. If you are having sex while your roommate is home, turn up the volume on your music and keep the howling to a minimum.
3. The only person who cares about your orgasm is you.
There are few college-age men who are both willing to and capable of making you come. You are in control of your own pleasure. If you really want to have a good time, show your partner what it takes to get you off—so long as they’re worth it and you have the patience to do a little coaching. Communication is key. If that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands. Fingers. Whatever you need to get the job done.
4. Don’t get married.
Let’s say you fall in love. Splendid! DON’T GET MARRIED. You’re too young and you still have a lot of growing to do. Trust me. If you’re still with the dude you met in college when you’re 30, and you still know you must be with him forever, by all means. Until then, leave the law out of it and save yourself the heartache, the paperwork, and the additional paperwork (and the money it costs) when it ends in divorce.
5. If you get sexually assaulted, don’t keep it to yourself.
Seek counseling. Talk to a victim advocate. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673), which will connect you to a local sexual assault service provider and health facility that can care for survivors. There are also resources on every college campus (washington.edu/sexualassault, seattleu.edu/caps/resources, seattlecolleges.edu/hr/student_sd.aspx). Deal with what happened, because it will not just get better or go away. If you can, report the assault to the Seattle Police Department as soon as possible, especially if there is physical evidence. Washington State has a statute of limitations on rape; a survivor of rape must file a police report within a year, and then has 10 years to press criminal charges. If a person fails to file a report within a year, he or she has only three years to press charges.
6. Don’t get pregnant.
It’s really not that hard. If you are sexually active, use contraception. First, condoms. Second, hormonal birth control—it’s the easiest and most effective way to ensure your continued fruitlessness. The pill is easy, if you find one that works for you (hormonal cocktails aren’t a one-size-fits-all thing) and can remember to take it. There are also lots of birth control options beyond the pill, including the shot, patch, ring, IUD, and implant. Your campus health center is a good place to find out about your options. There’s also your primary care doctor. And there’s Planned Parenthood—it’s inexpensive, and the staff is kind, knowledgeable, and nonjudgmental.
7. Better safe than an STI.
The pill obviously doesn’t protect you from STIs or HIV. Use condoms, people. Trusting the person you’re fucking doesn’t protect you from the diseases they could be carrying. Of course, condoms aren’t foolproof protection against HPV, so if you haven’t gotten the vaccine, get started now; it’s a six-month process. If you’ve started the process but haven’t finished it, what the hell are you waiting for?
8. Pee after sex.
If you get a urinary tract infection, you know it. An unceasing urge to go, a terrible burning sensation when you do, multiple unsatisfying bathroom trips, passing cloudy urine in trickles. A surefire way to avoid getting a UTI is peeing after sex. That’s right, that UTI is avoidable. During sex, the urethra comes into contact with bacteria from the genitals and anus; peeing immediately afterward flushes the bacteria out before it can travel up to the bladder and kidneys. Also, drink lots of water, pee when you have to (don’t hold it), wipe from front to back, and avoid douching (the vagina is self-cleaning, my dears). Also, make sure to get antibiotics if you do get a UTI. It won’t just go away, and the longer you wait, the worse it will get and the likelier you could get a more painful and harmful kidney infection.
9. You’re pregnant, now what?
Having a child is no joke. Trust me, I have a 1-year-old. If you get pregnant in college, you need to carefully weigh your options. Are you in a position to be a parent? Is your partner in a position to be a parent? Are you prepared to be a single parent? Can you juggle school and a child? Can you afford day care for your child while you’re in class? If the answer to these questions is no, and you decide you want to get an abortion, that’s okay. You are not a monster. You are an adult making a very hard, adult decision, and you should not feel ashamed.
The procedure is safe, insurance usually covers it, and if you qualify for the state’s insurance program (Medicaid or Apple Health), that covers it as well. Planned Parenthood, Cedar River Clinics, Seattle Medical and Wellness Clinic, and All Women’s Care are all local options. Just don’t wait too long to make your decision. The sooner you deal with it, the easier (and less expensive) an abortion will be.
Woman opens up about unconventional sex life: 'Everyone should have multiple lovers'
Earlier this year, Nadia Bokody opened up about her previous obsession with sex.
The 34-year-old divorcee has since secured over 17,400 followers on Instagram by talking about her unconventional love life.
Since her marriage ended four years ago, the Australian writer has turned her attention to a new fella.
But despite being in a happy relationship herself, Nadia believes women should have multiple lovers.
“You are essentially setting yourself up for failure”
Nadia Bokody
In an exclusive interview with Daily Star Online, she said: “In today’s modern dating culture, everyone is dating multiple people.
“We have endless choice at the swipe of a finger and near constant sense of FOMO that someone better is out there we still haven’t met.
“If you are putting all your eggs in one basket, especially before being given any sort of confirmation of commitment, you are essentially setting yourself up for failure.
“Because chances are the man you are committing all your time and emotional investment to is still shopping his other options on Tinder.
“And even if he’s not, he’s probably quite happy to string you along for months on end without ever giving any sort of formal commitment.”
NADIA BOKODY / INSTAGRAM
CONTROVERSIAL: Nadia Bokody believes women should never put all their eggs in one basket (Pic: NADIA BOKODY / INSTAGRAM)
NADIA BOKODY / INSTAGRAM
SEX WRITER: The 34-year-old has been married and divorced (Pic: NADIA BOKODY / INSTAGRAM)
Nadia, whose marriage ended by the time she was 30, has since been in multiple relationships.
In fact, the editor of SheSaid has been dating more than one guy at once.
She added: “When I met my boyfriend I’d been dating at least half a dozen other guys.
“He increasingly had to step up the amount of time and effort he put into pursuing me as I wasn’t always available to him and within weeks I had commitment of exclusivity from him.
“I also sent a signal to him that I was hot property. I didn’t need to sit around and wait for him, there were other suitors who were interested too.”
When it comes to jealousy, Nadia insists it gives her even more reason to date multiple people.
Nadia explained: “At the beginning stages of dating someone I absolutely get jealous and worry about who else they may be seeing when we’re apart – if I’m actually emotionally invested in them.
“But that’s even more reason for me not to put all my eggs in one basket.
“It’s like entering the lottery. If you desperately want to win, but only buy one ticket then all your hopes are tied to that one single ticket.
“If you diversify your investment however, and purchase lots of tickets, suddenly there’s less pressure on that one ticket and less potential for having all your hopes destroyed in a single swoop.”
She continued: “Men know when you’re sitting around waiting for them, they’re not stupid.
“And so if you’re subconsciously letting him know he never has to worry about putting in any effort or committing to you because regardless of what he does you will be investing everything you have into him and only him.”
For more of Nadia’s sex and dating advice, follow her on Instagram.
A Mysterious Text From Ancient Egypt Has Been Deciphered – And It's A Love Spell
Unlucky in love? Today, you might try your luck on Tinder, read dating advice articles, or console yourself with a large tub of Ben & Jerry’s in front of Bridget Jones. But back in ancient Egypt, lonely hearts and slighted lovers would often turn to superstition and wizardry to change their fate. (Presumably to little success.)
Korshi Dosoo, an expert in Egyptology and Coptic texts, leads “The Coptic Magical Papyri: Vernacular Religion in Late Antique and Early Islamic Egypt” at the Julius Maximilian University of Würzburg in Germany. His most recent work, published in the Journal of Coptic Studies, involves an ancient Egyptian papyrus he believes is a fragment of a centuries-old magician’s handbook. All that remains is a single sheet of yellowed papyrus showing a curious-looking diagram and what appears to be the instructions for a love spell.
“The form and contents of the papyrus leave no doubt that it belongs to the genre typically described as ‘magical” papyri’,” Dosoo explains in the paper.
These are short-ish texts that either detail spells and rituals to aid a person in their day-to-day life whether that be in love, health, or success, or are produced during such rituals. Dosoo believes that this particular item is from the late-seventh to early-eighth century, making it roughly 1,300 years old – when the Egyptians had swapped hieroglyphs for Coptic and Christianity had established itself in the country.
Large chunks of the text have been destroyed, making it difficult to decipher the text. Still, Dosoo has translated what is left from Coptic (an Egyptian language using the Greek alphabet) to English:
“I call u[pon you…] who is Christ, the god of Israe[l…] and (?) of Akhetobēl … […] the women (?)… you will dissolve […] … and every child of A[dam…] the king (?). You will give grace to the face of [… I in]voke you y the […]… now…”
