Relationships Talk

Last season, “This Is Us” fans finally learned how Jack Pearson (Milo Ventimiglia) died. But when season three premieres this week, audiences will finally learn what happens next. How does Rebecca (Mandy Moore) move on with her life? And how does she find love (with Miguel) again?

What we do know: It won’t be easy for her — or for everyone watching (stock up on tissues!).

Losing a partner is one of the most traumatic things a person can face. Whether it was from a long-term illness or spontaneous loss, the road through the tunnel can be long and arduous. Sometimes, it seems as if the darkness will be perpetual. But one day, you wake up, and think to yourself, “I don’t want to live this life alone.” Perhaps the idea of dating again has found a spark.

When you’ve felt the little spark, or even just the inklings of the spark, what are the best ways to get back in the saddle? Here is some advice.

1. Know when you’re ready.

Does the thought of being on a date excite you, or repulse you? Have you processed your grief enough to be able to enjoy another’s company that could turn into romance?

There is no “right or wrong” about when you’ll be ready. Many people are ready months after the death of their partner, and for others, it takes years. The most important thing is that you have this conversation with yourself, and aren’t trying to satisfy someone else’s idea of when you’re ready (or not).

This decision should come from within — and it’s subject to change if you find that you aren’t ready just yet.

2. Know that it’s OK to compare.

Human beings compare everything — it’s in our nature. You will compare new people to your old love, and that doesn’t mean anything bad. It also doesn’t mean that a new person won’t measure up. In the beginning, you might compare them to your lost partner.

Don’t hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and know that comparisons are more than OK, they’re part of our DNA.

3. Be open to new packages.

Love usually comes in an unexpected package. Be open to people who are both similar to and different from your partner.

Know that new love is possible, and happens often (even when you think it can’t ever be as good). Your best bet is to know that this new person will probably look, sound and be different, and that’s more than OK. Be open to people who are older and younger as age is often “just a number.” As long as you feel at ease and safe with this person, and attracted to them — you’ll be in good shape!

4. Enlist a dating village.

Build a group of people around you who are positive and encourage you to get out there again. Ask them to support you and not let you give up. Recruit friends who will keep you motivated, and who have good instincts on people.

5. Use online dating wisely.

Get some new great photos that you love and pick one site or app to start with. I like big sites and apps, as they have big denominators, and lots of people to choose from.

Be positive in your messages, and you don’t have to bring up the loss of your spouse.

6. Keep your “me time” sacred.

You have grown, out of necessity, into enjoying your own company and solitude. Make sure that you continue to do things that make you happy, and spend as much time as you need on your own too.

There is no need to rush into anything that doesn’t feel right. If someone is putting pressure on you to “move things along” and it seems too fast for you — communicate that gently. The right person will not only understand that, but give you the space you need. The wrong person will make you feel badly, and can even threaten to leave. Good riddance to anyone who isn’t willing to respect your wishes.

7. Be patient, persistent and positive.

Finding new love takes time — and it can take dozens of “frogs” to find a prince or princess. Slow the process down and try to enjoy the journey. Even if you get disappointed by someone, know that great love will come to you — and stay positive (or “psychotically optimistic”) about this prospect. Anything good takes time and effort.

DEAR ABBY: My son has taken it upon himself to get romantically involved with two different married women. He’s newly divorced after a long marriage and hates the idea of being alone.

He says he loves them both, but realizes there’s no future with either one, so he’s trying to extricate himself from the jam he’s gotten into. The problem is, the women refuse to let go, and it’s causing all sorts of problems. Any ideas? — DAD IN THE MIDDLE IN NEW YORK

DEAR DAD: If you are smart, you’ll stay out of this mess. Hasn’t it occurred to you that if your son was truly unhappy with the situation, he — not you — would have sought help for his problem?

He doesn’t love either of those women; he loves what he’s getting from them — attention, companionship, sex. Because they are married, he doesn’t have to worry about them wanting a commitment from him as a single woman might.

If he really wanted to stop these dolls from “stalking” him, he would threaten to make their husbands aware of what’s been going on, and THAT would be the end of it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. My two older sisters are away in college, and my dad works all the time.

How should I balance taking care of Mom, doing schoolwork and playing field hockey? I wish I could give each task my full attention, but I’m not going to be home much because of school. — JUGGLING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JUGGLING: I am sure your mother’s diagnosis has caused stress for every member of your family, including those who are away, and for that I am sorry. You are so young, and I can only imagine the stress you are feeling.

If you were discussing this with your mother, I am sure she would tell you — as I am — how important it is that you keep up with your schoolwork and activities. You cannot assume the entire responsibility for her care by yourself.

Who will help her during her treatments, and how much time you should realistically devote, is something both your parents should help you to determine. None of you will really know how much assistance she’ll require until the process is started, so be flexible and take things a step at a time.

DEAR ABBY: My mom owns two successful women’s clothing stores near my hometown that she’s had for more than 10 years. The problem is, she named them after me, and I hate it!

I’ve tried talking to her about it many times, but every time I bring it up she gets sarcastic, says things like, “This is a fun conversation,” and doesn’t let me get a word out. I have tried talking to the rest of my family about it, but they don’t consider it a big deal and tell me I’m being ridiculous.

I have run out of ideas about what to do, so if you could give me some advice, it would really help. — ANGRY DAUGHTER

DEAR ANGRY DAUGHTER: Many daughters would consider what your mother did to be a compliment. However, because it bothers you so much, consider going by your MIDDLE name.

And, if that doesn’t satisfy you, and you feel strongly enough about this, go to court and legally change your name to another one you like when you reach adulthood.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

First impressions are important, especially if someone is glancing at your picture, ready to swipe right and move on. So, having a good first photo is really crucial. “A head and shoulders shot of you, preferably taken in natural light,” advises Nichi, “You don’t want sunglasses on, that’s a no-no. If you can’t see someone’s eyes you’re not going to look any further. Don’t wear a hat, don’t try to hide behind anything.”

And if you’re feeling happy, show it. “These are the things people will be looking for,” says Andy, “You’ve got to choose a photograph that makes you attractive to the people you are trying to find.”

It’s a good idea to back up your main pic with a couple more options. Andy explains what works best: “You should choose a picture your friends think you look really good in, even if you hate it. If you’re laughing, or not looking at the camera, something really natural, that’s the photo where someone who wants to meet you gets a sense of who you are. They get a hint that you’re not a kind of computer-generated robot.”

There are plenty of reasons someone might not have been on a date in a while. Maybe they were in a long-term relationship that just ended. Maybe they were hurt so badly in their last relationship that they wanted to take a few years off. Maybe they felt really good being single, or had no time to date. No matter the reason, it can be scary trying to get back into dating if your last first date happened several years ago. You might feel that you’re out of practice. But, more importantly, you might be entering a dating landscape that looks totally different from the one you left behind.