Relationships Talk

Dating advice comes in a variety of forms. Some gurus deliver vague mantras and comforting yet intangible truths. They deal with karmic vibrations and tell women to discover their inner goddesses so they can manifest love. Other experts teach manipulative dating tactics — i.e. say this line or send this text to get him hooked on you — without addressing the underlying emotions of building relationships.

While these approaches can work in the short term, they hardly scratch the surface of deeper dating issues and relationship struggles faced by today’s singles.

Love EnTREPreneur Neely Steinberg sees herself as somewhere in between the mythical and the methodical.

Neely is a professional dating coach, image consultant, author, and founder of The Love TREP. When she works with her clients, her focus is on self-awareness. She dives deep into her clients’ psyche to find out what’s holding them back and how she can empower them to move forward. Her coaching business blends thoughtful self-reflection and specific dating strategies to motivate the modern single woman.

When she was 33, Neely found love on Match.com, and she has since made it her mission to show women how to replicate her success. Her self-help book, “Skin In the Game,” provides actionable advice and challenges designed to empower singles to unleash their inner entrepreneur and launch a successful relationship.

“I believe women want and need more concrete, practical methods to help them move forward in their dating and love lives,” Neely said. “I have endeavored to create a dating coaching business and book that would serve as a practical, 21st-century dating approach that teaches and empowers one to think and act more critically and creatively.”

The Dating Coach Takes the Time to Get to Know Clients

Neely’s most popular coaching programs offer deep dives into dating issues. A majority of her clients choose to sign up for three-month or six-month stints so they can get to the root of their problems. Their commitment to change is an important first step to getting better results, and Neely encourages new clients to take a serious look at themselves and what they can do to improve.

This process of self-reflection and growth may take time, but Neely said her clients will see more long-term benefits as a result.

“I like to tell people that change in their love lives doesn’t come overnight,” Neely said. “The longer they work with me, the better results they will have in terms of the goals they set.”

The Love TREP helps women put an end to the cycle of dead-end dates and bad relationships.

Neely works with highly capable and successful single women from all walks of life. She only takes on a handful of clients at a time so she can give her full attention and cater her advice to individual needs. Whether her client wants to gain confidence on dates or create a healthy relationship, Neely puts in the time and effort to assist single women in setting and achieving their goals.

The dating coach told us she is selective about who she takes on as a client because she doesn’t want to waste their time or her own if coaching isn’t the right fit for them. She looks for clients who are coachable, motivated, optimistic, and ready to move forward.

Once she agrees to take the client on, the real work begins for both of them. Her one-on-one sessions give clients a framework to change their lives, and she pushes them to take action.

“I do not do group coaching yet, but it is definitely something I want to do in the future,” Neely said. “For now, I’m really enjoying getting to know my clients on an intimate level.”

Results-Oriented Programs Help You Take the Lead

In addition to one-on-one coaching, Neely offers highly personalized and effective image consultations. She lends her insight as a style blogger and gives women makeovers that empower them to tackle dating with nerve and spirit. She said this service often appeals to singles who are starting again after a breakup, divorce, or a hiatus from dating. They feel out-of-touch or uncertain about their prospects and want her help to make the best possible first impression.

Neely said her first question during image consultations is “How do you want to feel in your clothes? Sexy? Empowered? Flirty? Feminine? Powerful?” Whatever her client says, that becomes their shared mission. They go out and find the wardrobe that will fit her style and make her feel confident wherever she goes.

The Love EnTREPreneur can also help women make a dynamic first impression online. Her online dating consultations are popular among serious daters who haven’t had much luck on dating sites or apps.

Neely met her husband on Match, so she knows the power of a well-written profile and can help her clients up their online dating games. She has created hundreds of profiles for singles and facilitated many relationships by sharing her secrets to attracting worthwhile dates online.

“Most clients are thrilled with what I’m able to create for them,” Neely said. “Something full of personality, something enjoyable to read, something that makes the reader think, ‘Hey, i want to know more about this person!’”

It’s not just about the words on the page, though. After Neely writes a dating profile, she will often recommend a professional photographer to give the profile that additional polish. The photo is often the first thing a potential date sees, so Neely ensures that it stands out and encourages singles to find out more. “Once they get that foot in the door with great photos,” she said, “an engaging profile is the icing on the cake.”

Changing Hearts, Minds & Lives With a Gentle Word

Neely adapts her coaching strategy to the person sitting across from her. When an analytical single woman came into her office, the dating coach knew she needed to think outside the box to help the woman make sense of the dating scene. So, she asked the woman to create a spreadsheet of what she was looking for in a man and then see which men fit the bill. This helped her keep track of the men she was dating and realize that her list of qualities wasn’t the only thing that mattered in the relationship.

She met one man on Match, for instance, who checked all the boxes on her spreadsheet yet wasn’t a kind or generous person. He put his needs above hers, and the relationship ultimately ended in disappointment. However, that experience made the single woman reassess someone she had dated briefly and dismissed as incompatible.

“Anyone who has hesitation about dating or doesn’t think they are cut out for it should talk to Neely.” — Amy, a 33-year-old single woman

Neely asked the woman what was more important to her — finding someone who seemed impressive or finding someone who made her happy? That prompted the woman to re-evaluate everything. “I started to question my scale — how much of it is ego-based and how much of it is heart-based — just like you mentioned in our sessions,” she said in a testimonial. “Once I started to question these things, the answers became clearer.”

The single woman got back in touch with a man who had made her feel loved and paid attention to her needs. She had come to see the value in those qualities. They agreed to get back together, and soon they were house hunting together. Today, they are happily married, and Neely’s former client attributes her success to those one-on-one coaching sessions.

“I enjoyed our sessions together and learned a lot from them,” the woman said. “I have to thank you for always sharing both sides of life’s stories. Unlike most people who only post beautiful pictures of their life or talk about how perfect everything is, you also shared the stresses and the realities of relationships. You are a good dating coach and I wanted to say thank you.”

The Love EnTREPreneur Empowers Dreamers to Become Doers

Lots of dating experts claim to have the secret to finding a relationship. But Neely does more than simply give advice — she lives her advice. She spent her 20s feeling single and insecure, and then she spent her 30s taking action. Today, she is her greatest success story, and her goal is to empower other women to transform their lives the way she transformed hers.

Neely has an unabashedly positive take on the dating scene. Instead of viewing dating as a burden, she hopes to inspire her clients to see it as an opportunity to grow in love and understanding. She gives her clients the tools, confidence, and courage to put themselves out there to find limitless possibilities in the dating scene.

“It’s up to you  — and the people you enroll on your journey — to shape, build, and grow it,” Neely said. “You are the CEO and enTREPreneur of your love life. Nobody but you can take on those roles.”

Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W‘s resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:

Dear Astro Poets,

I’m a poet and a Cancer (Leo moon, Virgo rising). The guy I am nearly in love with is a Capricorn (Aquarius moon, Aries rising). There’s one problem. He’s been on a submarine for three months. We dated for a week before he left, and we went hard. We spent the weekend at my beach house all alone together and it was everything I want in a relationship (exciting, surprising, weird, quiet, playful, tender, hot, communicative). And then, the next day, he left for three months.

I’ve been writing him emails every few days. And yes, the emails have been off the chain (I’m a poet!). Everything he writes me reaffirms what I felt before he left. The problem is, submarine communication is extremely spotty. I haven’t heard from him in a month and he’s coming back soon. I’m not allowed to know when exactly (government secrets) and I’m losing my mind. Help me, please! Do I take him at his word, and assume the issue is circumstantial? Or do I move on?

A Party Crab 

Dear Party Crab,

It’s always so amazing to hear from a Cancer in the midst of being intensely in love. They say that a Cancer is like a flower in full bloom when they fall for someone, emitting magical perfumes and lighting up everything around them. I love feeling your love energy from your note and thinking about all these strong feelings you are having right now. It’s so beautiful and life-affirming! And it’s no surprise to me that a Cancer/Capricorn pairing would fall madly in love in about one second of meeting each other. Both signs are romantic and ready to commit. Although Capricorn is known for being aloof and emotionally distant at times, they are very committed when they meet someone they feel excited about, and it sounds like that’s you!

Aside from everything you have in common and your somewhat compatible rising signs (although you might have some power struggles down the line with those diametrically opposed moons), Cancer/Capricorns are drawn together in a life-long way. I’ve known lots of Cancer/Capricorn love relationships that last a lifetime; I myself am a product of one. My Cancer grandpa and Capricorn grandma met at the 1904 World’s Fair, after being randomly put in the same car on a carousel ride, and were married all of their lives, through death and beyond.

Practically speaking, I would wait for him. First of all, it’s not that long to wait at all. I mean, what are a few weeks compared to the span of an eternity? You’re a Cancer, and you’re intuitive enough to pick up on the fact that he might be getting scared to come back and face the intensity of your love after what has undoubtedly been a hard trip. But unless you have some other true loves waiting around (which, since you’re a Cancer, you might), then why not see how this turns out? Capricorns can often suffer from the lying disease and lie their asses off when it suits them, but you might take him at his word now and trust his messages that give you affirmation. After all, what’s probably happening during these final weeks of the mission is that he has a job to do, and there is very little a Capricorn takes more seriously than an obligation that they’ve committed to. I bet he’s just really busy with all this top-secret stuff. Long-distance relationships are always difficult when it comes to communication, whether it’s an LA/NYC or an aboveground/stuck-in-a-submarine thing.

Then again, if he comes back and doesn’t want to see you for several days, I’ll change my answer. But if that’s the case, then, as they say, his loss! Who wouldn’t want a gorgeous Cancer ready to love them deeply? Cancers never have a problem finding a new passionate affair and I promise you won’t have a hard time finding plenty of people with Cancer obsessions. (Raising my hand here!) I’m praying that this Capricorn knows what’s good for him, and wishing lots of luck and love to you.

Your Aries,

Dorothea

Dear Astro Poets,

It’s the beginning of Libra season, so I’m going to ask a crazy Libra question! First, I want to say that I love being a Libra—even though it’s exhausting overthinking every tiny detail, and then panicking with indecision about big life choices. I’ve always thought an earth sign like a Virgo or a Capricorn would balance me out. But lately, I’ve been wondering: Are Libras able to be satisfied by just one romantic partner? I’m constantly looking for that one person, and identify as a full-on romantic, but if I’m being honest, no matter how great they were in the beginning, everyone has bored me eventually. What can satisfy a Libra in love?

An Unsatisfied Libra

Dear Unsatisfied Libra,

This isn’t a crazy question at all, but I’m going to make a crazy statement and say that Libras are perhaps the most entertaining people to go on dates with. You’re not exactly contrarians, because being graceful and agreeable is part of your allure, but you also have very strong feelings about many things most people don’t—like Greek mythology and Marc Jacobs ready-to-wear from the ’90s. It isn’t shocking to me that Libras would fall for someone with great intensity, only to then find themselves bored.

Libras value eccentricity and people who have style in every aspect of life. And by style, I don’t just mean fashion—I mean the way that people communicate, where they eat, what they read, the objects they surround themselves with. Libras care about these things so deeply, and they need their partners to as well. It’s not even that you need your partner to have a similar style to yours; you just want theirs to be distinct and thought-out. You want it to be there. It’s unfortunate, but not everyone approaches life this meticulously, or even with care.

I hear what you’re saying about being balanced by an earth sign, but the earth sign I would recommend for Libra is Taurus, because they also value style in every aspect of life—but then again they might be too stubborn and rigid for Libras. You need someone spontaneous, someone who will keep you on your toes, someone who will disagree with you while not taking themselves too seriously—that’s a Gemini or a Sagittarius.

Your big question—can a Libra be satisfied by one partner?—is one I hear constantly from my Libra friends. Maybe this is a question all of us should be asking ourselves regardless of sign, because I’m pretty sure the answer for many of us is “no,” although we’re really good at pretending otherwise. Libras are great actors, but they aren’t good at pretending. They’re always seeking out the truth. We’re also living in a culture that sells us monogamy as happiness without openly talking about other alternatives. As a Sagittarius, I relate to the Libra need for surprise and adventure, and constant desire to try new things. It’s all a matter of style, isn’t it? I say try everything and everyone for as long as you can.

A Sagittarius with style,

Alex

Related: Ask the Astro Poets: Are Aries Capable of Having Casual Hook Ups?

Just when you thought there wasn’t another celebrity friendship you could obsess over, enter Millie Bobby Brown and Drake. Along with being fans of each other’s work, the 14-year-old Stranger Things star and the 31-year-old rapper are total buds. And they literally text all the time, who knew? 

“I love him. I met him in Australia and he’s honestly so fantastic and a great friend and a great role model. You know, we text – we just texted each other the other day and he was like, ‘I miss you so much.’ And I was like, ‘I miss you more.’ He’s coming to Atlanta, so I’m definitely gonna go and see him,” she said to Access.

Umm, OK, now knowing these two celebs who might seem like they wouldn’t have a ton in common are actually the best of friends is nothing short of adorable. But one thing Millie isn’t here for anyone trying to maker her and Drake feel bad for their friendship. They obviously do have an age gap, but as Millie pointed out in a message she shared on her Instagram Story, she just appreciates when other artists in the industry have her back and offer up some guidance. That’s what friendship is all about at its core, right?

“Why u gotta make a love friendship ur headline? U guys are weird…For real. I’m lucky to have people in the business extend their time to help me further my career and offer their wisdom and guidance. I’m very blessed to have amazing people in my life. U don’t get to choose that for me. It’s nice to have people understand what I do. Now get back to talking about real problems in this world other than my friendships… jeez,” she wrote.

Millie can be friends with whoever she wants and as lonog as she’s happy, that’s all that counts! Drake even gives Milie some much needed advice when it comes to dating. When she was asked what they text about, she spilled he’s often giving her some solid input.

“About boys! He helps me. He’s great. He’s wonderful. I love him,” she said.

Millie recently got out of relationship with Jacob Sartorius, and now we’re left wondering if Drake himself helped Millie through the breakup. We’re sure he had some words of wisdom for her! Along with totally slaying her role of Eleven on Stranger Things, she is known for being beloved by literally everyone in Hollywood, so we’ll just add her bond with Drake to the top of her celeb bestie list. Although her adorable friendship with her co-star Noah Schnapp is will always remain number one in fans’ hearts, it’s pretty cool to know Millie literally has besties everywhere. 

Related:

Without Maddie Ziegler, The World May Have Never Known Millie Bobby Brown

Drake Is Still Making Money Off Degrassi, And the World Is Legit Living for It

Millie Bobby Brown & Ariana Grande Are The BFFs You Didn’t Know You Needed

This post was originally published on Sept. 20, 2018 and has since been updated.

I often (half) joke that dating is great training for entrepreneurship. Lack of predictability and control is common to both, and the discomfort of anxiety, rejection, disappointment, frustration, anger, powerlessness, and so on are inevitable. If we want to grow our businesses, we have to learn how to navigate the entrepreneurial emotional rollercoaster – and dating in 2018 is excellent practice in said proverbial emotional rollercoaster (especially in New York City).

But dating as an ambitious woman is particularly challenging – a gripe Amanda Bradford, founder and CEO of The League, knows personally. Newly single in 2014, the Stanford grad and ex-Googler was immediately frustrated with Tinder and its variations. She wanted to know more about a potential match than simply what they looked like from their best angles, and didn’t want the awkwardness of appearing in colleagues’ feeds. And fundamentally, she wanted to filter out matches who were interested in a “traditional” relationship or turned off by “Alpha” women. Aware that not knowing how to cook and being focused on her career were dealbreakers for some men, she sought to create a dating community where ambition was a quality celebrated in all genders.

After some lamenting, Bradford researched the existing apps’ founders, and realized she was “equally, if not more qualified [to start a dating app] than they were.” And so The League was born: a platform for career-driven singles that pulls data from both LinkedIn and Facebook, and keeps friends and colleagues from entering your feed.

I sat down with Bradford to download her advice for dating as an ambitious single in 2018:

Megan Bruneau: Why do you think an “equal partnership” is ideal? 

Amanda Bradford:  While equal partnerships have their own set of challenges, they’re ultimately the healthiest type of partnership as both people are choosing to be in it for reasons of compatibility rather than power or societal expectations.

That said, there’s still a stigma around being a career-driven woman, and we need to modernize our idea of what relationship looks like. He doesn’t need to be the breadwinner. She doesn’t need to raise the kids. Change is slow because many of our role models, including our parents, may have modeled a relationship different than the one I just described, but we’re getting there!

Bruneau: What do you look for in an equal partner?

Bradford: The top three traits I look for are kindness, intelligence, and humor. I’m attracted to people who want to make the world a better place, are curious, and like to learn and talk about ideas. Whether or not I agree with all of their views, I value a partner who can think for themself and have their own opinions…bonus points if they can share their views and ideas in a way that makes me laugh. When I was dating, my go-to question was: “If you had all the time and money in the world, what would you be doing right now?” You can learn a lot about someone from this question.

Bruneau: Apps have changed the dating landscape significantly. What do you see as the pros and cons of this cultural shift?

Bradford: Regarding pros, dating apps allow people to focus on compatibility. Traditionally, people dated in their immediate sphere – in school, in their neighborhood, at a bar. They didn’t have as many opportunities to meet people outside of their typical social circles. With online dating and apps, singles can expand their horizons.

There are cons, though. One of the biggest negatives of dating apps is that people treat each other more like a transaction – as if the profiles aren’t real people. Additionally, we’re so often face down in our phones looking for the ‘next best person’ that we miss out on the person right in front of us! This is why The League offers its users the ability to join local groups and events in the app as an alternative way to approach dating: it lets our users meet new people doing the things they want to be doing anyway.

Bruneau: A lot of us are afraid of dating because of fear of hurt and rejection. What’s your advice for coping with rejection and breakups? 

Bradford: I tend not to think of it as rejection – it’s just not the right fit and that person may be seeing that before you do. For the sake of self-learning, I would also try to understand the reasons the other person didn’t think it was a fit – even to the extent of calling them to inquire (warning: I’ve done this and it’s not for the thin-skinned). So many people of all genders are scared to pose this question, but this is exactly how you learn about yourself. If you approach it from a place of curiosity, it will only cause the other person to respect your emotional intelligence and maturity.

Bruneau: What are your tips for optimizing your dating profile?

Bradford: To increase sheer quantity of matches, make sure your first photo is a quality, clear, high-resolution shot of your face and body. Stay away from pictures with sunglasses, group shots, and pictures where it’s unclear whether you’re with your sister or ex-girlfriend. To reduce the number of bad first dates, be sure to express yourself as much as possible with your photos, so the matches you’re interacting with have a better idea of who you are. Photos that tend to do well invite people to ask further questions about you – places you’ve traveled, sports you’ve played, something unique and inviting of commentary.

Bruneau: Any other wisdom you want to add related to #datingin2018?

Bradford: I personally recommend you focus on doing what you love while at the same time committing to go on two dates a month. When you do choose a date, try to go out with people who are different than you – culturally, religiously, personality-wise etc. so you learn what you like and don’t like. Also don’t be so stuck on looks – they all fade! This dual-strategy gives you time to make yourself happy, gain confidence in dating, learn your true preferences, and better understand what you need in your life-partner. Then when they come along, you’re ready to poach –that’s what I did!

Finally, enjoy the process! Dating works best and leads to love when you’re having fun with it and taking chances. I flew from San Francisco down to Los Angeles for a first date once, just because I had an intuition we would hit it off…and we did! Be open-minded to people and situations that may not be exactly as you had designed them in your head – seek to learn something from each person you meet. Finally, try to stay positive alongside the (at times) sh*tshow of it all…your person is out there, I promise!