Relationships Talk

ELOISA GUTIERREZ
STAFF WRITER

Over a hundred students flocked to listen to a talk on dating and marriage, part of Franciscan University of Steubenville’s annual Gift of Human Sexuality Symposium, on Thursday, Sept. 11.

Over a hundred students flocked to listen to a talk on dating and marriage, part of Franciscan University of Steubenville’s annual Gift of Human Sexuality Symposium, on Thursday, Sept. 11.

With standing room only in the Gentile Gallery, Matthew Breuninger, who holds a doctorate in psychology, commenced his presentation, “Advice on Dating and Marriage from the Trenches.” Breuninger commented on the dating culture on campus and read retrospective advice from university alumni whose marriages have fallen apart.

Breuninger asked the audience, “Are you the kind of person that can be in the trenches (of life) with another person and be helpful?”

“You should be growing and cultivating the virtues that you need,” he said, “to be the kind of man and woman that can be in the trenches of life … and not … wave the white flag of surrender.”

Breuninger highlighted a major problem with modern dating when he described the economics of dating. As the national number of women graduating from higher education surpasses the number of men, the dating market for educated young people is tipped off balance.

“In a dating market where men are in high demand … men don’t have to live up to any standard,” said Breuninger, and women are “willing to sacrifice a lot for something that is scarce.”

Breuninger listed concerns about Franciscan’s dating culture, such as students using “obscure language” to ask girls out on dates, gossip among households and “hiding behind Jesus (or) discernment” instead of being honest about one’s feelings.

The talk proceeded with advice from Franciscan graduates “in the trenches” of married life. For students considering dating, alumni suggested they pay attention to “the practical things” instead of getting distracted by the beauty of romance.

Many alumni attributed the difficulties in their marriages to weak communication, insincere apologies, disrespect of boundaries and not trusting God and their “gut feelings” about a relationship.

“It doesn’t matter how well you get along on the beach, it matters how well you get along in the trenches,” said Breuninger, comparing phases of life to locations of calm and struggle respectively.

With dozens of students laughing, applauding and staying for a Q&A session, Breuninger’s presentation resonated with his audience. Michael Walsh, a junior psychology major, agreed with Breuninger, saying, “Don’t overthink things … you know yourself.”

The final talk of the Gift of Human Sexuality Symposium will be on Nov. 5 at 9 p.m. in the Gallery. The talk will be given by Catholic apologist and chastity speaker, Matt Fradd, on the topic of “The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality behind the Fantasy of Porn.”

“The Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger thinks Julie Chen must really love husband Les Moonves to back him so publicly in the wake of the various sexual misconduct allegations that cost him his CEO job at CBS.

On Thursday’s episode of “Big Brother,” viewers — including Patti — were thrown when Julie closed the show by using her full married name, Julie Chen Moonves, clearly showing support for her (former) TV executive husband.

“That was kind of shocking,” Patti told TooFab Friday. “But I know a lot’s at stake. She has ‘The Talk.’ She’s got ‘Big Brother.’ That’s her job. It’s her livelihood. I don’t know. I really don’t know what’s gonna happen to them, but I do know that she loves him ’cause why would she say his last name? That’s love. She didn’t hide in a corner like Georgina [Chapman] did with [Harvey] Weinstein.”

“We don’t know what Julie’s doing with Les,” she added. “We don’t understand the dynamics of their relationship. She may be very deeply in love with him, and they have their own relationship going on. You can’t throw stones at people.”

Patti was less vague when it came to her thoughts disgraced movie mogul Weinstein, though, telling TooFab, “Weinstein’s wife had to have known, in my opinion … but at the end of the day, you know, it’s a lifestyle. It’s a whole lifestyle. You’re not just getting a guy. You’re getting private planes and fancy clothes and great parties, and you’re not willing to give it up. I mean, let’s be real, it’s not regular people. And I’m sure there are regular people doing sexual harassment at a lower level, but their wives are leaving them.”

Patti also said she knew “forever” that Matt Lauer was living up to his reputation of sexual harassment, explaining, “It was in New York all over the place. [Soon-to-be ex-wife Annette Roque] was eventually gonna say goodbye.”

“Here’s what I don’t get,” Patti added. “How come no one’s admitting that they hurt these women? How come no one’s giving a formal [apology]? Even President [Bill] Clinton gave an apology at some point. How come nobody’s giving an apology? I don’t understand. These women have been all abused. A lot of them reported to different police departments…and nobody has said anything to them. It’s all like, ‘Oh, my God. I’m losing my money. I’m losing my wife.’ What about the women that you hurt? I don’t really get that. That part is the part that pisses me off.”

As a professional matchmaker, Patti also said she’s noticed drastic changes in the way people are approaching dating, thanks in large part to today’s #MeToo and #TimesUp era.

“Ugh, men are passive,” she said. “I’m on the apps, I hear the complaints, I go on dates. Bumble has a passive energy — even though it’s better pictures and better quality men — next to Tinder because they have to put a little more information. But it’s got this like, ‘Oh, if I take you out, should I kiss you, or shouldn’t I kiss you?’ And you’re like, ‘You’re an alpha, good-looking guy. Why are you not kissing me?’ And I started to realize everyone was going through this recently. It’s because of the #MeToo [movement]. Like they’re afraid to cross the line.”

Patti went on to say that the art of flirting is “done” because men these days “want the women to chase them.”

So what exactly is the solution for a man who wants to date but is also cautious of today’s social climate?

“I would watch some 1950s movies and get the art of courtship down,” Patti advised, adding that the key is to be “very polite and very well-mannered.”

Back then, Patti said, “it wasn’t overly coming onto a girl and pouncing on her after two beers.”

“It was kind of like, ‘I’d like to take you out. I’d like to take you to dinner,'” she explained. “Start holding the hand, maybe putting the arm around her in the movie theater, and then going in for the kiss.”

Watch Patti’s interview above, and stay tuned for lots more nuggets from her chat with TooFab.

Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at tips@toofab.com.

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Plenty of people have encountered that situation, whether at their own bar with a stranger or at their company holiday party with a flirty coworker. And it can be difficult to figure out how to let the flirt know that you’re not interested without hurting their feelings. When the person who’s flirting with you is creepy, it’s easy to tell them to get lost. But when they’re nice, getting out of the flirtation can be a little more difficult. But it’s not impossible as Sadie Allison, PhD, a sexologist and founder of Tickle Kitty, Inc., knows from experience. “I remember being in those situations,” she says, and she was able to get herself out using several different strategies.

Do you dream of being rescued by a (figurative) knight in shining armour? Someone who swoops into your life and makes everything better? Don’t like your house? – here’s a new castle. Don’t like your wicked step-mother? – she’s dead now, killed by the dragon. Don’t want to sweep anymore floors with woodland creatures? – here’s a butler service. While the fantasy of being treated like a princess may be fun, in the long term it can result in serious relationship issues. The relationship stories and fables we hear and are exposed to as children can often inadvertently change our way of thinking; making us believe a partner will ride in and give us our ‘happily ever after’ ending. Psychologist and eharmony’s dating and relationship expert, Sharon Draper explains the commonplace, toxic myths that are negatively impacting our relationships with our partner and ourselves.

MYTH #1: Opposites always attract

We’ve all seen this in the movies: opposites meet and fall madly in love. While it may be natural to be initially attracted to people who are dramatically different than us because they may have abilities or qualities we don’t have ourselves, these qualities can also be what drive you apart. If you and your partner fundamentally misalign on things like energy levels, personal habits, extroversion, or your approach to finances, think deeply about how much you are willing to compromise to suit their lifestyle.

MYTH #2: Physical attraction = compatibility

Physical attraction is a key dimension of compatibility, but it is relatively low on the list in terms of the glue that keeps a couple together long-term. Despite this, in today’s world of superficial swipe-apps, physical attraction is often the initial or only gauge of whether to pursue a relationship. Don’t be afraid to consider physical attraction when making a love connection – it is important. But don’t make it the only thing you base a relationship on, or you could be setting yourself up for a shallow, dysfunctional partnership in the long-term.

MYTH #3: Conflict is just passion

No matter how compatible you are with your partner, no two honest people can agree all the time. How you handle these moments of conflict is of utmost importance. There’s a big difference between the occasional rough patch and having constant conflict and struggles. You shouldn’t have to convince your partner daily that being with you is the right decision, nor should you always feel like you’re in a never-ending battle to move forward. Disagreements may be minor or major, but if both partners are committed to resolving an issue together instead of battling one another, they will grow stronger.

MYTH #4: Having shared interests means you’re compatible

Have you ever looked at someone’s dating profile and said ‘no thanks’ because of the list of their hobbies that you have little interest in? This is one of the biggest dating mistakes you can make; having little affinity for the same interests has nothing to do with how compatible you are. eharmony’s research predicts long-term relationship success doesn’t rely on whether he likes golf or you like classical music. Instead, it’s focused on things like sociability, autonomy, curiosity, sexual passion and sense of humour.

For more information on dating, visit eharmony.com.au, where you can also find out more about its happiness-based matching system, or download the app available on iOS and Android.

Sharon is a highly credentialed psychologist, with a wealth of experience helping individuals navigate through the stress and anxieties of looking for a partner. Sharon has been devoting her expertise to empowering clients globally since 2008, and has been contributing to Australian media, since 2013.

For more relationship advice, take this compatibility test to find out if you and your date are really meant for each other. Plus, this is exactly how many dates you should go on before becoming exclusive.

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