Relationships Talk

My parents (I live at home) think we are too young and are encouraging us to wait a year or two longer before we each say, “I do.” His family sort of feels the same way, but they are not as adamant as mine. Should we wait or just go for it soon? We do deeply love each other.

— Ashlee,

Phoenix, Az.

Dear Ashlee: I have no one-size-fits-all philosophy of marriage. I don’t recommend marrying too young, but concede the point that many people who married in their teens end up making their marriages work and last a lifetime. And many who delay marriage well past high school still wind up in divorce court. It truly does depend more on the individuals and their behavior than their ages.

Age at the time of engagement is far less important than the couple’s maturity, readiness for such a change and depth of love for one another. I do, however, feel that when one or both partners are in school, marriage should be delayed until after graduation.

Dear Dr. Wallace: I am a 17-year-old young woman who has gone through a lot for my age. I have a messy past that included drugs, alcohol and sex. I have been drug and alcohol-free for two years and have been a much happier person. I also decided to refrain from sex because of the problems and responsibilities that go along with it.

For the past year I have been steadily dating a 20-year-old guy. Lately, he has really been putting pressure on me to have sex. He keeps telling me that if I don’t have sex with him that he will find a girl who will. I love him very much and he says he loves me. What should I do?

— Anonymous,

Dear Anonymous: You feel good about yourself because you have totally eliminated your messy past. Don’t for a minute regress! I congratulate you on the progress you’ve made and I trust it was not easy. Honor the person you are now by sticking to the correct decisions you’ve made for yourself. At 17, you have so much of your life ahead of you.

You’ve learned from your past, now learn even more from your present situation. Take the time to concentrate on school and making good friends. Don’t get physical again until you’ve matured, graduated from high school and found the right guy for your long-term best interests. That might not come until the day you’re married. You might elect to go to college or a trade school at some point, or to get a job after high school. No matter what you do, there will be ample opportunities along the way to meet several guys as friends. The right one for you will be the one who does not pressure you physically and truly cares deeply for you and your well being.

I’m always suspicious of the true intentions of guys who threaten to go elsewhere if their sexual demands are denied. Tell your “boyfriend” that your final answer is no. If he leaves, then he didn’t love you as much as you thought he did. Even if he leaves and you go through some short-term pain, you will be very proud for standing up for yourself.

Trust me, there are many other guys out there who would enjoy being friends with you.

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