Relationships Talk

I’m a 32-year-old woman. I’ve always known I had it in me to be sexually and romantically attracted to all genders, but because of severe social pressure I chose/was forced onto the path of least resistance as a teen and ended up only dating cis male people. The social cost of me dating a girl in my country, in my family was just too high, and I didn’t HAVE to do that to find love and have relationships, so there we are. I’ve had one long-term relationship with a man as an adult (six years), and another one after that (eight years), which brings me to the present day. I’ve never had the chance to explore the side of me that’s attracted to female-presenting people, since both the men in these LTR were 100% straight and monogamous.

So now I’m 32 years old and quite experienced with hetero sex and a complete virgin when it comes to sex with any other gender than cis male. I’ve fooled around with women before, kissing and heavy petting and such, but nothing I would describe as sex. It doesn’t help that the lesbian cis women I personally know are… kind of mean about it? Obviously #notalllesbians, but every lesbian woman I’ve been close with has been very irritated by me identifying as bisexual if I haven’t had sex with women. My best friend recently snapped at me that I’m just a fake bisexual for attention if I’ve never acted on it. Another friend told me that being bisexual was a privilege and I had no right to “whine” about the difficult aspects of it to her. The two LGBTQ groups I’ve been part of were dominated by monosexual people who did not have many nice things to say about bisexual women. So while I’m sure this isn’t universal, it’s definitely a pattern for me personally and it hurts a lot.

So now I’m headed down a dark path where I’m becoming actively scared of approaching lesbian women. I’ve tried to find bisexual women through dating apps, but having a profile as a young-ish bisexual woman looking to experiment only seems to attract straight dudes looking for threesomes (which I’m actually open to, but these creeps sure do know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!) I guess other bisexual women have the same problem I do, because I can’t find them for the life of me. And I’m afraid monosexual women will be a little cruel about my inexperience and identity. Maybe going out there as a unicorn would help, but I’ve got the same anxiety about that. Like I said, this has been happening since I was a teen. It’s unsettling to be a sexually experienced virgin and I don’t know where to go from here. I’d like to pop my lady-cherry! But I don’t know how to find someone who won’t take my half-virginity as a sign that I’m faking bi for attention. I think I’m coming down with sexual impostor syndrome.

Not Faking

A married-to-a-man bisexual woman desperate for some girl-on-girl action—a woman also struggling with a host of other issues—wrote in a while back. I tried to put both her problem and her odds in perspective…

Most bisexual women aren’t out (bi men too) and most bisexual women are in opposite-sex relationships (bi men too)—and there are more bisexuals than there are gays or lesbians. Some studies have found that there are more bisexuals than gays and lesbians combined.

I suggested to Going Absolutely Insane that might want to seek out other bisexual women like her, since there are way more bi women than lesbian women, and I suggested she look for same-sex bi partners where most same-sexers (monosexual and otherwise) find their same-sex partners:

You’ll have to risk putting yourself out there, most likely online, which is where more than 70% same-sex relationships get their start—no risk, no reward, nothing ventured, nothing gained, no face pics, no response, etc.

But you already did that—you already put yourself out there online—and it didn’t help. You were overwhelmed by responses from creepy guys. Those responses plus the unhelpful/clueless comments of a few shitty/misinformed monosexuals and the sneering judgment of a few scary/insecure lesbians, NF, added up to a bad case of imposter syndrome.

What now? Well, instead of trying to work this one out myself, NF, I tossed your question out to Bisexual Twitter. I asked Bisexual Twitter to skip the obvious—some monosexuals are clueless, you need to get better friends—and share some practical tips. And Bisexual Twitter came through…

1) Set dating/hookup app settings to women only, even if you’re also into men. Drastically cuts down on energy wading thru bullshit.

2) Maybe don’t frame what you’re doing (to yourself or those women) as “experimenting”? You’re bi, you know it, you’re figuring out what it means.
— Rachel Alexander (@rachelwalexande) January 24, 2019

In my experience, viewing dating & sex with women as important things that are fundamental to who I am, and not experimenting (even tho it’s new! and scary!) helped a lot with taking myself seriously and having confidence.

Also, seek out other bi people, esp newly out ones?
— Rachel Alexander (@rachelwalexande) January 24, 2019

Also reading writing (fiction/non) by other bi women about being bi was super validating for me when I had a mental breakdown about all of this shit in my earlier 20s.

Check out Malinda Lo (YA sci-fi/fantasy), various queer lit lists. Surround yourself with bi women positivity.
— Rachel Alexander (@rachelwalexande) January 24, 2019

“Not Faking’s” experiences are sadly so, so common. My advice is she find 1) a bi+ community and support group to empathize w/ & keep her going (social media is actually a great resource to start if she can’t find them IRL)… /1
— Alexandra Bolles (@anorianb) January 24, 2019

& 2) the right person to explore her sexuality with. Apps are def hard for all the reasons she mentioned. Being a “unicorn” might be an overwhelming way to start. Finding someone you feel you can trust & communicate with can help. Consider @_personals_ !
— Alexandra Bolles (@anorianb) January 24, 2019

Also, @BRC_Central has some great resources available online & in person, depending where “Not Faking” lives. Wish she could DM me for more info!
— Alexandra Bolles (@anorianb) January 24, 2019

Having that I’m bi right in the profile cut down on the number of women I had to interact with that share the ‘just faking it view’. Start asking your so called friends if they identified as asexual before they were ever sexually active since experience seems to be the only proof
— Morgan (@byte366) January 24, 2019

Dating sites. It has to be a dating site. The thing is that women in queer communities can be unbelievably cliquey and clannish, so the sweet individuals like you (and I) generally don’t break in. Dating sites are how we find each other. OkCupid can be good.
— ellegaunt (@ellegaunt) January 24, 2019

As a bisexual who came to bisexuality late (I was over 40 the first time I slept with a guy for various reasons) I’d say her best bet is to just not tell people. Most hookup aren’t going to inquire too closely about your sexual history. Don’t volunteer the information
— Trevor Antczak (@TrevorAntczak) January 24, 2019

1) try a dating app focused on lgbt women. I personally use her and while it’s a mixed bag I haven’t had anyone screech at me for being bi/nb. Plus it has a forum on sfw topics which might help ease OP into pursing sex with people who aren’t cismen.
— 💋 (@clownkin_) January 24, 2019

I say that cuz if I had that kind of push back, I’d freak out trying to date or hookup with anyone, so easing into it might be easier long term.
— 💋 (@clownkin_) January 24, 2019

The queer dating pool is a little smaller. It can take a lot of time to find the right person who won’t judge you or box you into a stereotype. Don’t let anyone tell you what you are or aren’t!
— Julie Anton (@julieanton) January 24, 2019

Sounds painfully familiar. Practically, I would suggest looking into a kink scene if possible. I’ve found it far more bi-friendly than nearly every other queer space.
— Guy New York (@Quickiesnewyork) January 24, 2019

She should definitely get better friends. depending on where she lives she may also be able to join bi-only social groups where she can meet other bi women who will prob be more approachable. On dating apps, don’t bring up inexperience immediately, broach it after a few exchanges
— What May Come (@katspawprint) January 24, 2019

And finally, NF, a great thread—some great personalized advice for you—from the folks at Still Bisexual…

Dear Not Faking,

First, you are #StillBisexual if you’ve never had any same-sex experience just like lesbians are still gay when they’ve never had any same-sex experience.
— Still Bisexual (@StillBisexual) January 24, 2019

If you can’t find support for your identity amongst your lesbian friends, turn to your straight friends. They can often be more accepting and open-minded.
— Still Bisexual (@StillBisexual) January 24, 2019

As for dating, please let me know what town you live in and I will try to connect you with local bisexuals. Keep in mind the problem isn’t being a virgin—lots of women would love to be your first—it’s the external biphobia you have to overcome to find a same-sex partner.
— Still Bisexual (@StillBisexual) January 24, 2019

Follow Still Bisexual on Twitter @StillBisexual.

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