Relationships Talk

First, we had ‘ghosting’, next came ‘bread-crumbing’, now we’ve got ‘cushioning’ and ‘cuffing’ to contend with.

But what do all these dating terms mean and what can you do when you’re on the receiving end of some of the more brutal aspects of modern dating behaviour?

If you’ve ever wondered why all those flirty texts don’t seem to be going anywhere or why your latest online suitor is so vague when it comes to actually meeting IRL? Chances are, you’ve fallen victim for one the less savoury aspects of online dating behaviour, you’ve been benched.

Dating apps have given a platform for frogs across the planet to behave in less than princely ways. They like you enough to string you along, and revel in the ego-boosting attention, but they’ll never arrange an actual date. Frustrating.

While it’s true that dating apps have opened a world of possibilities – they’ve also given a platform for frogs across the planet to behave in less than princely ways.

That’s why we’ve called on experts over at dating app Jaumo, for a guide to latest dating app pitfalls, so that you know exactly what you’re up against, next time you’re looking for love.

If you hadn’t heard of Jaumo before now, don’t worry. If you’re on the dating scene you soon will, as they’ve been rated as the best dating app in the States by digital experts Applause after combing through half a billion online reviews, across 30 million apps worldwide. And they’re growing fast, in 180 different countries.

‘The dating scene is in a permanent state of flux and things change fast in the online dating world,’ says Jaumo co-founder Jens Kammerer. ‘We’re constantly seeing new trends and ways of behaving. We stay on top of those on a daily basis, so that we can flag them up and support our users.’

So, if you’re about to jump back into the dating fray, here’s the inside track on the latest dating terms from the dating experts Jaumo.

Plus we’ve got game-changing advice from world leading cyber-dating expert Julie Spira, who wrote The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online

Julie has got our backs with no-holds-barred advice on EXACTLY what to do in EVERY situation.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Cushioning

This is when you’re flirting with people despite being in a relationship, so that if things go wrong, you’ve got someone to cushion your fall. But what should you do if you suspect someone you’ve meet online is already taken?

Julie says: “I’d suggest looking at their social media to see if they’re in a relationship. If there are pictures of them in the arms of another it could be a kissing cousin or friend, but if it’s the same person over and over, they’re in a relationship. You have to ask yourself do you really want to carry on flirting? When people are flirting with you, even if it’s only digitally, but they’re in another relationship, that is emotional cheating.”

And if you catch your boyfriend at it, with his own online profile? “Then you need to have a conversation to see if you’re on the same page with what you want in your relationship. If not, I’m a big advocate of kicking somebody to the kerb if they’re going to cushion you.”

Caspering

“This is when you let someone down gently before vanishing from their life completely,” explains Jaumo co-founder Kammerer.

Julie says: “This is just somebody, who doesn’t want to be the bad guy. A lot of people are people pleasers, so they let you down gently and just start to see you less, and less, in the hope that you’ll get frustrated and end the relationship. So, you’re in a relationship, and you generally see each other every weekend, Friday and Saturday night and then, all of a sudden, there’s a family member coming to visit on a Saturday and they can’t get together and pretty soon it’s happening every week.

“To me that’s like ‘the dog ate the paper’ when you don’t have a dog. It’s usually an excuse and if it starts to happen more than once, it’s likely there’s someone else. So, if you notice that you’re getting moved to weekdays, don’t get demoted, gain your power and your self-esteem, and find another partner who’s going to be excited to say, ‘I’d like to be with you on the weekends, the whole weekend.'”

Fire-dooring

Seeing someone only on your terms and at your convenience (a fire-door only opens one way).

Julie says: “It’s a one-sided relationship and to me that can lead to depression and increased anxiety. If you’re not in a mutual partnership, this relationship is doomed and you’ll end up becoming over-attached, and needy, and anxious and that’s not attractive whatsoever.”

Freckling

“Just like freckles that show up in summer and vanish in the winter, this when you hook up with someone just for the summer and then vanish in autumn.

The scenario: Summer flings and summer romances have been around since the beginning of time. They’re abundant when the weather is warm and everyone is wearing less clothing. If it’s mutual and you’re having fun, then admit that you’re doing, it’s a fling and that’s it and enjoy it. The problems start if one person thinks, ‘Oh, I’m at the end of the summer and maybe I’ll get a deeper commitment’” If your date has said that that’s not what they want, then that’s unlikely to change.”

Phubbing

Snubbing someone you’re spending time with by paying more attention your phone than them.

Julie says: “This really has become the new ghosting. If you go on a date, you shouldn’t have your phone out, you should be putting your undivided attention and at the chances are, at the beginning of the relationship, you do that because you want to make a good impression. But once you get a little too comfy in a relationship, what happens is you go out, and out pops the phone and we don’t know whether they’re looking on the app for another date, we don’t know whether they’re just like checking the sports scores, or if they’re not developing a text relationship with someone else.

“But what we do know is that the phone has become a participant on the date, so it creates a love triangle – you, your partner and the telephone. And when the telephone joins you on the date, more often than not, it’s hard not to look over your date’s shoulder to wonder, ‘who are they texting, what are they doing?’ And it creates suspicion. If you’re on the receiving end of a phubbing say: ‘Oh I thought I was having a date with you, not you and your phone, it would really make me happy if you could put it away, because I put mine away already and I want to focus my attention on you’.”

Cuffing

When even avid singletons want to couple up for the winter months but never want to commit to anything past the winter.

Julie says: “If your date won’t commit to plans beyond Christmas that’s a red flag. If you’re enjoying cuddling up under the duvet, there’s no harm in it, just don’t set your heart on a summer wedding.”

Uncuffing

The opposite of cuffing – the summer and spring months when people end their relationships to play the field.

Julie season: “I think that people re-evaluate their relationships with the beginning of every season. It’s just the cycle of love.”

Zombieing

Ghosting someone and then resurfacing to rekindle things (with a vague and bad explanation for disappearing).

Julie says: “When someone disappears and comes back with a bad excuse like: ‘I’m sorry, I lost your number,’ or, ‘Oh, I had so much to do with work, it just wasn’t a good time for me.’ Don’t buy it, they met someone else and it ran its course.”

This article originally appeared on Healthista and was republished here with permission.